Archives for June 2009

ME in the Family

June 25, 2009 by Chris Field Leave a Comment

Life based on an “It’s all about ME!” mindset will have terrible impact on your family. Toxic selfishness destroys relationships and makes some people impossible to live with. If “It’s all about ME!” then it can’t be about anything else, can it? So everything else suffers. Family suffers. People suffer. Marriage suffers.

When “Me” becomes someone’s focus in the family that person ends up abusing everyone else. So I want to walk you through some observations about this disastrous selfishness issue.

Western Disease

While selfishness is endemic in human society it certainly has a stronghold in Western society. It is very much a Western disease. Now, I know that every culture is afflicted with self interest and maybe some are worse than the West, but since I mostly deal with Westerners I want you to face up to the issues of our culture.

Modern Westerners are strong on independence, pleasing themselves and knowing what their favourite choices are. We ask our children what they want, from the earliest age. We promote self-expression and self-assertiveness across our culture. We provide wide variety so everyone can cater to their personal tastes and preferences. All of this and more goes into promoting a selfish perspective.

Fading Christian Morals

Previous Western generations were profoundly impacted by Christian teaching, from pulpits, classrooms and the broader culture. Biblical Christianity teaches selflessness, sacrifice, service to others, care for the needy, love for our enemies, forgiveness to our offenders, love for our neighbours, responsibility for our actions, and much more, that all work together to counter selfishness.

As Christian morals and Biblical teaching have faded from Western culture the grace and message that empowered people to deal with their selfishness has also faded. Westerners are less able to resist their selfish impulses now than in previous generations.

Increasingly we see young and old living by the maxim, “It’s all about ME!”

Family Suffers

When “Me-ism” flourishes, families suffer. Family is a place where personal and individual aspirations are restrained, for the common good of all the other members. A couple join together in a mutually rewarding union. Both husband and wife work together in their own unique roles to establish a lasting relationship.

The secure base created by the marriage forms the framework for a family into which children are born and in which they are raised. The couple assumes the roles and responsibilities of parenting. Children grow up in the security of the home and learn to take their own place as both beneficiaries of the family and responsible contributors.

But when family members become focused on self-will, self-interest and self-indulgence, the family is impacted. Family life stands in stark contrast to selfish self-indulgence.

All About What?

What happens in many exchanges between couples and with children is that some issue comes to the fore and becomes a source of pain. While on the surface it seems that the conflict is all about the issue that is in focus, the real problem may well be “Me-ism”.

While it may seem that some disturbance is all about a mess that is made, a job left undone, a door left open or any one of a thousand other things, it is in fact all about someone’s feelings. It’s not all about that thing which is pointed at as the problem, but it is “All About ME!” in the mind of the person who is raising the protest.

Mum and the Mess

To help you understand what I’m driving at, let me give you an example that might happen in an average family.

Imagine a mother who is suddenly upset about a mess left in the kitchen. She raises her voice and calls out in angry tones to find out who is responsible. Because of her anger no-one wants to admit guilt. Outraged by the mess and the lack of anyone taking responsibility the mother begins to berate the family, accuse various people, express her pain, or some similar dramatic display. The family suffers in silence, feeling that mum has a case, but also feeling that something is out of order.

The end result is that people are all brought into a pain experience. Shame, discomfort, embarrassment or many related feelings may be stirred up. The mother is not made to feel any better by her outburst and may carry her sense of offence for a long time after the explosion. Everyone else walks on egg-shells (so to speak) or gets away from the fuming mother.

Mess or Me

Most times that this kind of situation develops the problem is not the mess but the “Me”. The mum carries her own set of feelings about her role in the home. She has her own set of feelings about her kitchen and how things are meant to be left. She has her own set of feelings about what it means to have to clean up after someone who has not taken responsibility for their mess. She has her own set of feelings about what she could be doing with her career if she were not a domestic mum. She has her own set of feelings about how she has protested in the past and not been listened to. And so on it goes.

When such a mum sees a mess in her kitchen there are multiple buttons pressed in her brain and heart. She reacts, or should I say “over-reacts”, based on the past history of issues that are unique to her private thoughts and feelings. She dumps her hurts, disappointments, frustrations, outrage, misgivings, sense of failure, and other possible inner feelings, onto her family. The tirade she expresses is not a wise means of resolving an issue, but a “Me” outburst.

Those private thoughts and feelings are part of her “Me” package. When she blows her top it is not really because of the mess that has been left, but because of her own personal “Me” package of thoughts and feelings.

No More Me

Imagine how that situation would be dealt with by a person who had completely dealt with her “Me” problem, or who at least was very sensitive to it and who ruled her own spirit.

Mum comes in and sees the mess. She immediately realises that someone in her family is not taking proper responsibility for the messes they make. She quietly goes to individual family members and enquires, quietly and without any passion, to find the person who is responsible.

When she discovers the one who left the mess she sweetly asks them to come and assist her in cleaning up the mess. She supervises them to ensure they know how to properly remove the mess they have made, and then asks them sweetly to remember to do it of their own initiative next time.

She then prayerfully considers the process employed in the home to train people to take responsibility. She may seek her husband’s advice and assistance in creating a more effective regime in the home. She will also ask God for wisdom.

Meanwhile, she will see that all the feelings which rise within her from time to time are indications of her own failure and need for wholeness. Rather than venting any of those feelings or dumping them on others, she restrains them and then takes them to God in prayer, for her own total deliverance.

When she is used, abused, taken for granted, treated with thoughtless disregard, and so on, she seeks God for divine wisdom about God’s honour being preserved in the home.

Her focus is to: give honour to God and to her husband; raise her children in godliness; establish God’s kingdom on earth; glorify God by her responses and choices; die to herself; be a servant; model God’s grace to her children; discipline her children on God’s behalf, not on behalf of her hurt feelings; and so on.

Hubby and Kids Too

The example given here could be applied to a father who is angry with his wife of children. Or it could be applied to children who are in strife with each other, or who have taken offence toward a parent.

When a man’s ego has been offended he will respond based on his feelings, rather than based on God’s wisdom and glory. Issues become “Me” focused, rather than Kingdom of God centred.

Children take up offences, from each other and from their parents. They may resent the restraints placed on their by their dad, or the demands made of them by their mum. They may be jealous of their siblings or just plain selfish about getting their own way.

In family life, many of the issues which come up to cause strife between family members are actually based on the “It’s all about ME!” mindset.

It’s About Him

It’s time to do away with this toxic selfishness. It’s time to give God glory in your home, by you dying to self and removing the “Me” factor from all your relationship exchanges.

It’s not longer about “Me”, but about Him (God) and about His Kingdom.

How Relationships Work Part Four

June 24, 2009 by Chris Field Leave a Comment

Marriage relationships are strained by choices which people make or situations which people allow to operate to the harm of the union. In part three of this series we looked at how a person’s automatic ‘reactions’ are a big problem.

When someone presses our buttons we can shift into automatic mode and say and do things which are not good for the relationship, because we cannot control our reactions.

Making Demands

Relationships are also strained by the demands made by one or both of the spouses. Demands can be made overtly or almost subliminally, but still bring great pressure onto a marriage relationship.

When people don’t fit in with our hopes or expectations, or our perceived needs and wishes, we can easily look for ways to make demands on that person. I have seen it done very openly and boldly at times, to the point of public argument and putting on a ‘scene’ (as we call it). Yet I have had others seek help to deal with the insidious demands made on them by a manipulating spouse, even though no-one would ever suspect.

Making demands on our spouse is potentially a form of abuse. This is especially true if the demands spring from selfishness and wilfulness, rather than from a genuine concern for the good of others.

Idol or Idolater

Some people make demands on their spouse because they actually have an idol in their heart.

They may have thought at some time in the past that having a husband or wife would solve some of their personal pain and inner needs. By coming to that conclusion they have made their spouse into an idol.

When a person has made their spouse into an idol, expecting them to bring important blessing into their life, then they are likely to make extra demands on their spouse. They will have heightened expectations and be hurt and disappointed if the spouse does not fulfil their hopes.

Being an idol to your spouse is a tough role, since you are not God and will certainly fail them. Making an idol of your spouse sets you up for bitter disappointment, because they are just as human as you are and they will never be able to do in your life what you need God to do for you.

Disengaging Authority

It is possible in a marriage for a couple to disengage the correct authority structure which God has given them. When this happens the relationship gets tangled up and the couple are unable to resolve some of the tensions and problems which are created.

Authority is a divine mandate, so when it is violated in a relationship the union is damaged.

When a wife takes matters into her own hands she is violating her place of submission to her husband. When a husband turns off to the problems and needs he is violating his place of responsibility for his wife and family.

Authority in the home is clearly prescribed in the Bible and it does not work as well any other way. While there are many dysfunctional homes in which the authority structure is totally mangled, there is still no better way to run a home than according to God’s authority hierarchy. That hierarchy puts God at the top, Christ next, then the husband, then the wife, and then the children. Parents have authority over their children. Husbands have authority over their wife. Men must be under God’s authority.

Often in today’s Western relationships there is an agreement to share responsibility. This comes from the feminisation of our culture. Men have become ‘snags’ (sensitive new-age guys) and women have become assertive. But today’s Western preference does not discharge reality. Do not disengage the authority which God established in the home.

Diffusion Strategies

When a couple or family is given to arguments and upsets they need effective strategies to diffuse the tensions that otherwise emerge.

A key to effective diffusion strategies is to acknowledge godly authority in the home. God requires the husband to be the head of his wife and the children to submit to their parents. A wise and godly husband should recognise when tensions are developing, even if he created them, and he should employ godly diffusion strategies to protect the marriage and family.

A simple strategy is to acknowledge that tensions are mounting and feelings have become aroused. He can then insist that the matter be stopped immediately. If the issue is important, such as someone being offended, or some similar issue needing to be resolved, the father needs to determine the time and place when the matter can be followed up, without the current elevated emotions. He may dictate, “We will all have a fair say on this matter after dinner tonight, but I don’t want to hear another word about it until then”. Note, he must follow through on such arrangements, or he will be despised in his home.

He might diffuse a situation by referring the matter to God. “We’ve all had our say and we all know where we stand on this matter. I can’t see any happy way to resolve our differences, so we are going to all pray together about this and give the problem to God. We will then expect Him to bring us His wisdom in the coming week.”

Diffusion strategies are not designed to remove the problems or to bring the much needed healing. What they achieve is putting the brakes on run-away emotions and escalated tensions which will only lead to argument and further hurts.

Working Relationship

In a working relationship each person is a mature, responsible person, living in the fear of God. They are human so they will make mistakes, tend to selfishness and create problems in their relationships. However, they will be humble enough to admit that something is wrong, identify and rectify their fault, take appropriate responsibility for themselves and others and work proactively and constructively toward a godly solution.

The Relationships Series of Articles ….
Part One: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-1
Part Two: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-2
Part Three: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-3
Part Four: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-4

Get Over It At Home

June 23, 2009 by Chris Field Leave a Comment

Don’t get all worked up about something if you are not going to do something to resolve it. The advice you need if you have become one of those who rave on about things is, “Get over it!”

I opened this subject in a previous article titled “Get Over It”, and now I am elaborating on the theme, to make it more practically applicable to everyday life. To best understand what I am explaining here, be sure to read that first article.

Good truth is truth that works in everyday life. You know you have conquered something when you can live it out in the home. Your marriage and family are the testing ground for all your theories. If you think you’ve changed, but still act the same at home, then you are deluding yourself. So I’m now focusing the need to “Get over it!” on the home.

Worked Up

People get worked up about things that have stung them or found a weakness in them at heart level. We know the matter is anchored in the heart because Jesus Christ explained that what comes out of us originates in our heart.

“O generation of vipers, how can you, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” Matthew 12:34

What spills out of your lips and directs your attitudes, body language, tone of voice and so on, has its origins in your heart. If you are all worked up about something, then it is your heart that is really worked up.

Your heart harbours such things as jealousy, lust, pride, bitterness, shame, pain and so on. It is these conditions in our heart that prompt us to become preoccupied about things that happen around us. If a person is stuck on something, you can be sure that they have an issue in their heart that has caused that connection and reaction.

Heart Surgery

What you need to do is recognise that raving, complaining, endlessly rehearsing something, entertaining your fears, talking about something incessantly, or being totally distracted by something that is bothering you declares that your heart needs to be sorted out.

You need spiritual ‘heart surgery’. You need to resolve those things that stir you up, agitate you, distract you, make you afraid, and so on.

However, most people who get sucked into the vortex of some obsessive thought pattern, making them rave on, or be totally absorbed by something or other, do not immediately realise that they have a ‘heart’ issue to resolve. They tend to think that some person, action, situation, prospect, hope, or whatever, is the real issue.

Heart Issues

King Solomon, in all his wisdom, identified the heart as the real culprit in our lives, 3,000 years ago. He advised that the real issues of our life spring from our heart, not circumstances, people, experiences, fears, etc.

“Keep your heart with all diligence; for out of it (the heart) are the issues of life.” Proverbs 4:23

That thing that is distracting you, pulling your attention back to it all the time, is anchored in something inside your heart. Even though some person has done wrong, or some situation has developed, or something was said, or you went through something or other, the real issue is still inside your heart.

Many people go through terrible things and come out without being distracted, absorbed, devastated, and so on. Whatever the source of their resilience, what has happened for them is that their experience did not get hooked in their heart.

If you have gone through things and been buried in reactions, attitudes, fears, distractions, or the like, then your heart has not handled the things as successfully as you need it to. All the issues of your life are ‘heart issues’.

Do Something

I pointed out in my first Get Over It article that you can test yourself with the question “Will you fix it?” If you don’t intend to do something about the problem or issue that has your focus then you will just have to get over it.

If you can’t fix it, such as because it is outside your scope of ability or authority, then you have no alternative but to ‘get over it’. You need to come to terms with your challenges and get on with life. You will do that most successfully with God’s grace helping you. Ask God for His grace to carry you through the challenging situations.

If you can fix it and won’t, then you have lost the right to complain or be preoccupied with it. If your pride or fear gets in the way, then you have stepped back from action. So, “Get over it!” You are now where you are because you have chosen to be there. Now, get on with life.

If you are not going to do something, then that decision exposes something more about your heart. You have a personal obstacle, such as pride, insecurity, unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, fear of people’s opinions, or any of a range of other possibilities. You need to get spiritual heart surgery on that thing you have just discovered in your chest.

In Marriage

To put a practical edge on this, let’s consider a husband who is lazier than his wife wants him to be. She can be exasperated with him, complaining to him and about him, belittling him to others, trying to manipulate him and feeling sorry for herself because he keeps disappointing her.

The best thing the wife can do is “Get over it!”

So, let’s ask the question, “Will you fix it?” She might answer, “I’m trying to!” Her nagging and complaining may be her attempt to change him. But a few months of poor response should alert her to the fact that her complaints don’t work. If she is still nagging him after a few months, then she is losing the plot and failing to see the reality of her marriage situation.

In the case of a lazy husband the wife does not have authority to change her husband. She also probably does not have the ability to do so. So, she can exhaust herself and frustrate her husband by her continued attempts, such as nagging, but that will only damage the relationship. Alternatively she can “Get over it!”

She can hand over her disappointment to God. She can release her husband from expectations that he will be a diligent and energetic man in her life. She can recognise that she is his helper, not him her servant. She can scale down her expectations to accommodate what he is able and willing to do. She can focus on the positives in the relationship, rather than her frustrations.

But, to do those things she will need spiritual heart surgery. She will have to let God change her attitudes and resolve her inner thoughts and feelings. That will take God’s grace.

The Kids

In a case where a father is disappointed in his child because the child doesn’t meet his expectations he too has to “Get over it!” Let’s assume that a child doesn’t have the sporting, academic and personality qualities which the dad always imagined his children would have.

If we ask the dad, “Will you fix it?” he would probably say that he has tried everything he knows to do, but the kid just doesn’t come up to his expectations. If it is a matter of training and discipline then the dad has to accept responsibility for the outcome, and repent before God, asking for God’s grace and guidance to correct the situation.

If it’s a matter of natural ability, personality and interests, then the dad cannot make the difference he might want to see and so he has to come to terms with who and what the child is. The dad has to give his hopes and expectations to God. In his heart he has to forgive the child for being different to what he wanted. He has to learn how to love the child for who the child is, helping his child become the best fulfilment of who God created them to be, even if that is not what the dad wanted in a child.

If he won’t do that he will end up projecting rejection into his child. The child needs to be loved and cherished by a father who accepts them for who they are and helps them become the person God wants them to be.

Stop Complaining

You have the power to experience change. If a situation needs to be fixed and you can fix it, then stop complaining and get about the business of making a difference.

If a situation cannot be changed, or at least you don’t have the power or authority to do so, then “Get over it!” Get on with life, by experiencing change in your heart. You have the power to experience change on the inside, by bringing your heart issues to God. Let Him deal with your frustrations, fears, pride, shame, anger, unforgiveness, or whatever. Then, even if a less than happy situation exists which you cannot change, you will still be able to get on with life and be free from distraction and debilitation.

So, let me share with you some profound advice for your situation…. “Get over it!”

How Relationships Work Part Three

June 22, 2009 by Chris Field 1 Comment

Interpersonal relationships are among our most precious life experiences. And they DO work. However, it is also common for people to mess up their relationships. There are two main causes for damage to relationships. One cause is simple ignorance. Some people are selfish, inconsiderate, foolish, naïve or irresponsible, and they blunder on, damaging the things God has given them.

Another cause is more sinister, when a person acts selfishly on purpose. They may know better, but are simply determined to be the centre of their universe. Among this category are the argumentative, the users and abusers and the self-centred fools.

This series on how relationships work is starting out as an educative source for those who are sensible enough to learn and lift their game. Before the series is out I will add some straight talk, as I have done elsewhere, about the matters of sheer determined selfishness.

Interpersonal Ignorance

The problem in many relationships is often simple interpersonal ignorance. When people do not understand relationship, or understand themselves and others, they may enter into tensions in complete ignorance of how they are part of the problem. Selfishness is one of the worst diseases to bring into any relationship. And ignorance of its existence and impact will cost dearly.

A few simple ‘home truths’ about people and how they relate, combined with a few simple ‘common sense’ strategies will go a long way to helping people reduce their interpersonal tensions. Add to that some personal healing, humility, wisdom and submission to godly claims on their life and pain filled relationships can become joyful and fulfilling again.

Reactions are a big problem. Making demands is a serious issue. Disengaging authority is really dangerous. So let me take you through some of these issues.

Buttons on Your Dashboard

Don’t be a ‘reaction’. Each of us has a set of buttons on the dashboard of our life. There are certain ways in which people can rub us up the wrong way, offend us, awaken our areas of pain and weakness, touch our raw nerve and press our buttons.

The issue is that of our reactions. In an ideal situation each of us should be so whole and complete on the inside that we never need to react to anything. By ‘react’ I mean to be trapped in an involuntary and predictable response impulse which interrupts other things we could or should be focused on.

My son, Christopher, was in a high speed motorcycle filming sequence recently when a large insect flew at his face mask. He did not need to react to that, since the mask would deflect the insect. But he instinctively reacted, pulling his head to the side. The head movement threw his motorbike off course as he entered a corner at high speed. Consequently he and his bike ran off the road, became airborne and crashed into a ditch, leaving him unconscious and the bike and camera written off.

The buttons on the dash have a similar effect. They cause us to fly into response mode. The consequences can be very serious. So it is important to be so resolved in our own inner life that we simply do not need to react to accusation, offence, hurts, words, shame, or any such thing.

Removing Buttons

For people who react it is as if there is a set of buttons on the dashboard of their life. When someone presses one of those buttons the response can be instant, significant and relied upon to happen.

If a man’s ego is challenged or if a woman is insulted we often see the person react. This is typical of the “button on the dash” problem.

Those buttons on our dashboard need to be deactivated and the whole panel removed from our life. This takes the ministry of the Holy Spirit, instruction from the Word of God and application of the Grace of God to deactivate the programmed responses and sinful, selfish commitments we have set up in our lives.

We need to be open to the Lord’s rebuke. We need to open our hearts to the Lord’s instruction. We need to expand our understanding of truths and principles which may be missing in our lives. We need to learn godly disciplines and gain control over our own spirit. We need to put our pride to death, along with the lusts which drive us. We need to forgive those who offended us and trust God to be our shield and exceeding great reward. We need to look to Him, and not to our own energies, to establish our security for the future.

Yielding Rights

Part of dealing with the buttons in our life is yielding our rights. This is the process of dying to self and making ourselves of no reputation, as Jesus did. It is the process of putting other people first.

Most westerners have been raised to think that their existence is all about themselves. Their hopes, wants, feelings, demands, needs, urges and impulses rule them. Yielding rights is part of the process of dying to self and putting God and others ahead of ourselves. If your life motto proves to be “It’s all about ME!” then you will have serious relationship issues through the years.

Yielding rights involves you making the commitment that “It’s not all about me, but it’s about me serving and glorifying God and blessing others”. When you get yourself out of the way you will be much more able to sustain successful interpersonal relationships.

Zone and Mouth Disease

In part one of this series I introduced you to the Zombie Zone. In part two I discussed how many people need to be affirmed by input from or interaction with others. A mismatch between these two inclinations leads to tensions and upsets.

Let’s consider the couple who have ‘zone and mouth disease’. One of them is in their private relaxation zone – maybe watching TV, reading a book or driving the car. The other feels the need to speak and be noticed in some way.

When the person in their private zone is disrupted they can selfishly be offended, or they can happily pull their self out of their private musings and attend to the matter raised. They can decide to bless the other with their attentive listening and helpful contribution to the discussion.

When the person who feels the need to speak sees the other person zoned out, or does not get the response they want from the person who is otherwise turned off to some degree, they can selfishly be offended, or they can happily leave that person to some peace and quiet. They can decide to bless the other person by taming their urge to speak or be acknowledged.

Intolerance

One problem that develops in relationships is that the parties become intolerant of the other person’s habitual actions. It can be that one spouse will turn off to the other and that other will be given to pressing their claim on the spouse who is not listening. Both spouses become intolerant of the other’s treatment of them. This intolerance factor becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of frustration.

“He (or she) switches off!” “Yes, but she (or he) won’t leave me alone!”

To make that worse, some people press themselves on their spouse for bad reasons. They may be insecure, controlling, resentful, agitated, anxious or the like. They find it impossible to let their spouse have peace and quiet. If they feel unresolved they feel compelled to inflict their feelings onto their spouse. They become intolerant of the spouse’s freedom from their own frustrations.

At the same time, some spouses disengage and will not accept responsibility for their actions, words or duties. They may be lazy, careless, fed-up, selfish, irresponsible, incompetent, or the like, and resent all pressure to change, even if it is valid. They quickly become intolerant of the demands being made upon them.

Aim for Relationship

Remember that relationship is built on two people ‘relating’. How can they walk together unless they are agreed?

When disagreement has sprung up the two will not be able to ‘relate’, so the relationship will be damaged. What you need to do is aim for relationship, not your selfish wishes.

When you put yourself ahead of the relationship, even if you think the other person has been wrong, you are doing damage to that relationship. Self is an alternative to the relationship, not a means of helping the relationship.

Relationships work when people put the relationship first and their selfish demands second. So, no matter what has been happening in your marriage or family, aim for Relationship!

Get Over It!

June 21, 2009 by Chris Field Leave a Comment

A young adult friend introduced me to the phrase “Get Over It” many years ago. She enjoyed interrupting people who were complaining about something or other with her laughing advice, “Get over it!” Many people picked up the phrase and for a while it was the most likely contribution you were to hear from some folk.

Of course, there are some things which cannot be shrugged off with a laugh and so getting over serious offence, abuse, or the like is not something that should be made fun of. But there are many things which people get worked up about without any real commitment to the issue. It may incense them or outrage their sensibilities, but still be only something they complain about, not being something they will actually do something about.

In the spirit of my first Idiot Test, which exposes the folly of taking up issues with no real intent to do anything about it, I now present some thoughts on the wise advice, “Get over it!”

Stark Raving Mad

Insanity can involve the state of being “raving mad”, where a person raves on about things that do not make sense or which are simply products of their own delusions. Paranoid people talk about dangers that do not exist. People can perceive attitudes which they think they see in others, when those others have no thought about them at all.

On a milder level, however, people can also rave, without being mad. People tend to rave about things that impact their thoughts. They may keep talking about their fears, sense of offence, misgivings, or the like. Because those thoughts loom large in their mind, or heart, they end up speaking about those things all the time. To other people with other things to do and think about it seems that the person is raving on and on about things that they should have dropped out of mind.

This is where “Get over it!” comes into its own.

Preoccupation is Biblical

The Bible speaks about the issue of ‘raving’, by pointing to the source of that obsessive talk. The words which come out of our mouth originate in our heart. If we have issues in our heart, at that deeper level of our life, then we will tend to talk about those things, like water bubbling up from a spring.

“A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” Luke 6:45

Heart Monitor

Since the heart is the source of what comes out of us, spilling those things which fill up our inner thoughts, then we are wise to monitor our heart. And the very words we speak are as good a piece of equipment as anything else.

If you tend to rave about things stop to check why you can’t let that thing go. If you have unforgiveness toward someone, you will tend to talk about them and what they did. If you have fear for your future you will tend to talk about what could go wrong. If you have fantasies about your future you will tend to rave on about all the things you imagine could happen.

Once you have resolved your heart issues, of offence, unforgiveness, fear, delusion, insecurity, shame, or whatever, then you will also stop raving on so much.

Will You Fix It?

Here’s a way to prompt yourself about dealing with issues. It might be unwise to apply this to your family and friends, since they might take offence at your approach. So, start with yourself. Maybe in time you will have earned the right to try this on others.

Take the issue you are raving about and ask, “Well, are you going to do something about it?”

If you are not actually working on a solution, then all you are doing is venting empty words, to express your feelings. That process is vain. It does not create a solution. It does not bring greater clarity. It does not let you get past the issues.

So, “Will you fix it?” If not, then……. “Get over it!”

If you are not going to do anything to resolve the situation then the wisest thing you can do is to put the thing behind you and out of mind. Get over it! If you are a victim and you intend to stay a victim, then stop complaining about being a victim. If you have suffered an irreparable damage, then, since it is irreparable, get on with life. Stop raving about things you aren’t going to change!

Can’t Let Go

Once you’ve faced the “Will You Fix It?” question, and the instruction to “Get over it!” you then come to some deeper insight into yourself.

It may be that you aren’t going to fix it and you can’t get over it. So now you can see your real problem. You are caught in a trap, with no way out. You are not going to solve the problem, and you are not going to get over it. So you are probably camping on the ground of ‘self-pity’. You have probably chosen to be miserable and to make other people’s lives miserable too.

Of maybe your pride is in the way. You are going to trash your life, because of your pride. Or maybe it’s a mater of unforgiveness. Which ever way you look at it, the real problem is not the thing you are complaining and raving about, but YOU!

You are the problem. You won’t get on with life. You won’t find God’s grace. You won’t humble yourself, forgive your offenders, love your enemies, or find God’s help to solve the problem. You miserable creature! You are an enemy of God and all the people who come in contact with you. You are totally self-absorbed and don’t care how you burden others in your self-indulgent existence.

Get Grace

God’s word tells us that God’s grace is more than enough. It is sufficient for any challenge. You don’t have to be a victim, or be obsessive, or be self-absorbed. There is enough grace to totally transform your life and circumstances.

So, get your hands on God’s grace. And you get that by being humble. God gives grace to the humble.

“And he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest on me.” 2Corinthians 12:9

“But God gives more grace. Wherefore he says, God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6
Word of Advice

You may need me to spell out how this “Get Over It” thing works in day to day life, especially in the home. So I’ll write another article on this for you, called, Get Over It At Home, to help put practical legs onto this important concept. Look out for that article. Meanwhile, here’s my word of advice.

Are you facing a challenge at the moment? I have some advice for you. If you seriously respond to that advice and think through your reactions to it you should get a good look at your heart and know what to ask God to do in you.

Now, here’s my awesome word of wisdom. Here is the best advice I may be able to give you in your current situation. Here is the word you have been waiting for….

“Get over it!”

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