Being Friendly

Let me share a simple truth that some may not have caught yet. 

We are responsible for the quality of relationships we have with others.

Here’s a Bible verse to point that out.

“A man who wishes to have friends must show himself friendly” Proverbs 18:24

Some people tend to think the situation they are in with others is always the fault of the other people. That may not be the case.

Mind you, let me put in a disclaimer. There have always been jealousies and competitive attitudes among people and there are some people you may never get along with. The Bible allows for that in the lovely phrase “as much as you are able”. We are told to do all in our power to get along with others, but there is also the suggestion that for some it will never be possible.

“If it be possible, as much as you are able, live peaceably with all men.” Romans 12:18

People in communal groups such as schools, workplaces or teams will at times find difficult people around them. With the flourishing of social media it is possible for nasty or out of sorts people to inflict increased insult, hurt, rejection and pain on others. If you are in such a situation you have my sympathy.

My thoughts here are directed to people who don’t make an effort to build quality relationships, for various reasons.

Youth and others as well can often feel insecure about building relationships and breaking the ice with new people. This is specially so if someone has experienced insult or offence from others. Each new connection is a potential source of hurt, so it can feel safer to withdraw and avoid risk.

We tend to cut off sources of hurt and challenge, so some people cut off new social connections because of the insecurity it brings.

Yet the Bible truth is that those who would have friends, and friends are good things to have, must show themselves to be friendly people.

So let’s look at what it means to show yourself to be friendly.

People who are friendly and ready to make new friends tend to be welcoming and accepting of others. They may smile a welcoming smile and give a friendly greeting when they meet new people. 

Even if you are not inclined to be friendly and even if you are afraid of the other people, if you greet them with kindness, confidence and a nice welcome, you are on a strong starting position to build friendship, or at least have them think kindly of you.

For breaking the ice with others it is wise to be polite, friendly, welcoming and respectful.

Once the ice has been broken there will still need to be time to build connection. Allowing someone to feel included is important to them, especially if they are shy. If you continue talking to your friends about things the newcomer doesn’t understand you give the newcomer the feeling they are not welcome or don’t fit.

A good way to include people in your company or in your circle of friends is to take interest in the new person, by inviting them to join and share their ideas along with others.

It has been said that everyone’s favourite subject is talking about themselves. When the other person feels free and invited to share about their own likes and dislikes, or their interests they will feel affirmed and welcome.

However, if you interrogate each newcomer into your world you will give a different signal, maybe that they are under a microscope or have to meet your standards, or that you are just very nosey.

And if you make a negative judgment of what they way that will be hurtful to them and may shut down the friendship before it gets going. People hate being laughed at or treated as a misfit.

Connecting with others as real people is also very important to them and helps build relationship.

For example, suppose you meet some person in a service role, such as a cleaner or a person stacking items in a shop. If you see them as a menial servant you will tend to lock them into their servant role. If you were to say to a cleaner, “I think you missed that spot” you may be insulting them, reminding them that to you they are a cleaner. Even if you compliment them on a good job, which is a nice thing to do, you are still keeping them in the role of cleaner, and outside your personal circle.

If, however, you were to chat with them about how they are feeling that would give a different signal. Imagine asking a shop assistant if they have been able to keep up with the score on an important sporting match happening right then. That would suggest that you see them as equal to you in interest in sport, rather than someone who might deserve to miss out because they are of no consequence.

Many a business person has strong connections with the people who serve them, such as their drivers, security, cleaners and others. They relate to them as people equally allowed to enjoy life and engage with the things others enjoy.

If someone new enters your circle and doesn’t understand what the ‘in talk’ is all about it would be courteous to give them a quick summary or something to tune them in. You could say, “They’re talking about a silly incident that happened on the weekend.” Or, “There’s been a long running issue about the equipment. You’ll see for yourself soon enough.”

The important lesson is to “show yourself to be friendly”.

Unfriendly things are when you treat new contacts as an audience to listen to your opinions or affirm how smart you are. It’s unfriendly to dominate conversations. It’s unfriendly to discount and trample on the ideas of others. It’s unfriendly to be secretive about who you are and what you think.

For some people it feels dangerous to allow new people into their world and to work on building friendships. Yet it is worth the risk. Even if you were to fail two times out of three, the end result will be that you build some new friendships.

I encourage you to do that and to get the help you need if these suggestions are not enough. And may you have great success in Being Friendly.