ME in the Family

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Life based on an “It’s all about ME!” mindset will have terrible impact on your family. Toxic selfishness destroys relationships and makes some people impossible to live with. If “It’s all about ME!” then it can’t be about anything else, can it? So everything else suffers. Family suffers. People suffer. Marriage suffers.

When “Me” becomes someone’s focus in the family that person ends up abusing everyone else. So I want to walk you through some observations about this disastrous selfishness issue.

Western Disease

While selfishness is endemic in human society it certainly has a stronghold in Western society. It is very much a Western disease. Now, I know that every culture is afflicted with self interest and maybe some are worse than the West, but since I mostly deal with Westerners I want you to face up to the issues of our culture.

Modern Westerners are strong on independence, pleasing themselves and knowing what their favourite choices are. We ask our children what they want, from the earliest age. We promote self-expression and self-assertiveness across our culture. We provide wide variety so everyone can cater to their personal tastes and preferences. All of this and more goes into promoting a selfish perspective.

Fading Christian Morals

Previous Western generations were profoundly impacted by Christian teaching, from pulpits, classrooms and the broader culture. Biblical Christianity teaches selflessness, sacrifice, service to others, care for the needy, love for our enemies, forgiveness to our offenders, love for our neighbours, responsibility for our actions, and much more, that all work together to counter selfishness.

As Christian morals and Biblical teaching have faded from Western culture the grace and message that empowered people to deal with their selfishness has also faded. Westerners are less able to resist their selfish impulses now than in previous generations.

Increasingly we see young and old living by the maxim, “It’s all about ME!”

Family Suffers

When “Me-ism” flourishes, families suffer. Family is a place where personal and individual aspirations are restrained, for the common good of all the other members. A couple join together in a mutually rewarding union. Both husband and wife work together in their own unique roles to establish a lasting relationship.

The secure base created by the marriage forms the framework for a family into which children are born and in which they are raised. The couple assumes the roles and responsibilities of parenting. Children grow up in the security of the home and learn to take their own place as both beneficiaries of the family and responsible contributors.

But when family members become focused on self-will, self-interest and self-indulgence, the family is impacted. Family life stands in stark contrast to selfish self-indulgence.

All About What?

What happens in many exchanges between couples and with children is that some issue comes to the fore and becomes a source of pain. While on the surface it seems that the conflict is all about the issue that is in focus, the real problem may well be “Me-ism”.

While it may seem that some disturbance is all about a mess that is made, a job left undone, a door left open or any one of a thousand other things, it is in fact all about someone’s feelings. It’s not all about that thing which is pointed at as the problem, but it is “All About ME!” in the mind of the person who is raising the protest.

Mum and the Mess

To help you understand what I’m driving at, let me give you an example that might happen in an average family.

Imagine a mother who is suddenly upset about a mess left in the kitchen. She raises her voice and calls out in angry tones to find out who is responsible. Because of her anger no-one wants to admit guilt. Outraged by the mess and the lack of anyone taking responsibility the mother begins to berate the family, accuse various people, express her pain, or some similar dramatic display. The family suffers in silence, feeling that mum has a case, but also feeling that something is out of order.

The end result is that people are all brought into a pain experience. Shame, discomfort, embarrassment or many related feelings may be stirred up. The mother is not made to feel any better by her outburst and may carry her sense of offence for a long time after the explosion. Everyone else walks on egg-shells (so to speak) or gets away from the fuming mother.

Mess or Me

Most times that this kind of situation develops the problem is not the mess but the “Me”. The mum carries her own set of feelings about her role in the home. She has her own set of feelings about her kitchen and how things are meant to be left. She has her own set of feelings about what it means to have to clean up after someone who has not taken responsibility for their mess. She has her own set of feelings about what she could be doing with her career if she were not a domestic mum. She has her own set of feelings about how she has protested in the past and not been listened to. And so on it goes.

When such a mum sees a mess in her kitchen there are multiple buttons pressed in her brain and heart. She reacts, or should I say “over-reacts”, based on the past history of issues that are unique to her private thoughts and feelings. She dumps her hurts, disappointments, frustrations, outrage, misgivings, sense of failure, and other possible inner feelings, onto her family. The tirade she expresses is not a wise means of resolving an issue, but a “Me” outburst.

Those private thoughts and feelings are part of her “Me” package. When she blows her top it is not really because of the mess that has been left, but because of her own personal “Me” package of thoughts and feelings.

No More Me

Imagine how that situation would be dealt with by a person who had completely dealt with her “Me” problem, or who at least was very sensitive to it and who ruled her own spirit.

Mum comes in and sees the mess. She immediately realises that someone in her family is not taking proper responsibility for the messes they make. She quietly goes to individual family members and enquires, quietly and without any passion, to find the person who is responsible.

When she discovers the one who left the mess she sweetly asks them to come and assist her in cleaning up the mess. She supervises them to ensure they know how to properly remove the mess they have made, and then asks them sweetly to remember to do it of their own initiative next time.

She then prayerfully considers the process employed in the home to train people to take responsibility. She may seek her husband’s advice and assistance in creating a more effective regime in the home. She will also ask God for wisdom.

Meanwhile, she will see that all the feelings which rise within her from time to time are indications of her own failure and need for wholeness. Rather than venting any of those feelings or dumping them on others, she restrains them and then takes them to God in prayer, for her own total deliverance.

When she is used, abused, taken for granted, treated with thoughtless disregard, and so on, she seeks God for divine wisdom about God’s honour being preserved in the home.

Her focus is to: give honour to God and to her husband; raise her children in godliness; establish God’s kingdom on earth; glorify God by her responses and choices; die to herself; be a servant; model God’s grace to her children; discipline her children on God’s behalf, not on behalf of her hurt feelings; and so on.

Hubby and Kids Too

The example given here could be applied to a father who is angry with his wife of children. Or it could be applied to children who are in strife with each other, or who have taken offence toward a parent.

When a man’s ego has been offended he will respond based on his feelings, rather than based on God’s wisdom and glory. Issues become “Me” focused, rather than Kingdom of God centred.

Children take up offences, from each other and from their parents. They may resent the restraints placed on their by their dad, or the demands made of them by their mum. They may be jealous of their siblings or just plain selfish about getting their own way.

In family life, many of the issues which come up to cause strife between family members are actually based on the “It’s all about ME!” mindset.

It’s About Him

It’s time to do away with this toxic selfishness. It’s time to give God glory in your home, by you dying to self and removing the “Me” factor from all your relationship exchanges.

It’s not longer about “Me”, but about Him (God) and about His Kingdom.

It’s All about ME

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A Makeup artist to a world famous celebrity interrupted a photo session with a nation’s President to ask if anyone had a blender (food processor) for mixing her special health mix. She then went on to ask every dignitary she met if he or she could find a blender for her. I won’t tell you who or where, but I know people who witnessed this ridiculous and self-indulgent process.
These antics are laughable, but reveal a level of arrogance and self-absorption that goes along with Western culture. It is summarised in the phrase “It’s All About Me!”

It’s All About Me!

Most people who live by the “It’s all about Me!” philosophy would probably deny that they live that way. Most selfish, self-absorbed people cannot see their behaviour through other people’s eyes.
This post is an attempt to prompt you to look again at what you do and what you say, to see if you are guilty of the “all about me” mindset.
Westerners mostly act on impulse to satisfy inner promptings which are their reactions to various stimuli. Rather than living with restraint, learned responses, consideration for others, submission and the like, Westerners are taught to view life through their own lens. Westerners are likely to say what they think, without thinking. They will speak their mind first, and possibly never consider the inappropriateness of what they said, or the selfishness of their perspective.

It’s All About Selfishness

The “all about me” mindset is actually selfishness at work. It is pride, arrogance, self-focus and self-indulgence. Those are evil things, morally. Mankind was not created to live selfishly. When we live with our own interests, thoughts, plans, intentions, will and self-expression as our focus we are living in pride. We are living in sin; since we created to live for God not self.
Using “It’s all about me” as a reference point we can get a clearer picture of selfishness at work.

“Me” the Destroyer

Millions of friendships and marriages are destroyed because of the “It’s all about Me” mindset. “Me” is a destroyer. Relationships involve two people in agreement. When one of those people is centred on their own self then agreement is hard to achieve. The only way two can be in close agreement in such a case is for one person to idolise and become slave to the other.
When a relationship is anchored in one of the parties it is not a relationship at all. Being a “Me” person denies others any real relationship with you. It also stops you from opening yourself to them.

“Me” Talk

“I’m annoyed with you” is a statement of the ‘Me’ mindset. “How dare you treat me like that” is a statement of the ‘Me’ mindset. “You make me so angry” is a statement of the ‘Me’ mindset.
Every time someone looks at life from their own perspective the “It’s all about me” mindset is revealed. They may never say “It’s all about me”, but their focus and statements clearly betray that they see everything from their own perspective.
Some people don’t actually ‘talk’ their “Me” focus. They let it be heard in their body language. Sub-vocalisations (grunts, sighs, etc) are often used to express exasperation, disgust, disapproval, disagreement, and so on. Body language such as frowning, scowling, turning away, shaking the head, and so on, may be used to “voice” the “Me” focus.

“Me” Gets Personal

When a person has a “Me” focus they are already very ‘personal’ about things. They impose their own personal perspective on the issues at hand, and so they will invariably attach their feelings to their dealings with other people. It will all get very ‘personal’.
Everything is already ‘personal’ for them. They start out personal and that’s where it all bogs down. If a “Me” person is offended or upset they will be offended or upset with another person. This is extremely damaging to relationships, because the “Me” person will berate, scold, or otherwise deal harshly with the person they see as having upset their “Me” perspective.

No Me At All

Another way to unearth the “Me” focus is to see what life and conversations would be like if there was no “Me” in the picture at all. Imagine a situation where one spouse has forgotten to do what they promised to do.
In a “Me” situation frustration, exasperation, disappointment or sore feelings would likely steer the words or tone of response to express how the “Me” person felt about the other’s failure. The person who failed would be seen as and be treated as the “problem” in the situation.
Words of rebuke, scorn, anger, frustration or the like would be dumped on the person who failed to do what they promised to do.
If there was no “Me” in the picture, the only response would be to solve or deal with the problem created by the forgetfulness. The problem would be the problem, not the person. The issue would be assessed and fixed. The relationship would continue undamaged. It would not get ‘personal’.
If forgetfulness in the other person was a problem then forgetfulness would be dealt with as a problem. Forgetfulness would be the problem. The forgetful person would not be the problem. It would not get ‘personal’.

Looking for “Me”

I’ve said enough here to get you thinking and hopefully make you aware of the “Me” elements in your life. I challenge you to start looking for “Me” in your thinking, attitudes and relationships.
If you are Western you have a “Me” problem.
Even if you are life’s victim and never get to raise your voice at anyone, you will have a “Me” problem, probably something like “Pity poor me”. There is no escaping “Me” in our selfish Western culture, unless we have “died to self”, “crucified our flesh” and are now living by the power of Christ within us.
But that’s not an escape clause for you. You have no alternative but to be like Christ. And that means you have to stop being a “Me” person. It’s not all about you. It’s about Christ being formed within and God’s Kingdom coming on the earth.
I pray that God open your eyes to see yourself as He sees you – so you will be transformed to be the way He wants you to be.

The Rule of Mammon

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Jesus Christ advised that we are either under the power of God or Mammon. Since many people in our culture are not worshippers of God it is safe to assume that they worship Mammon. If many people in our culture worship Mammon then we can assume that many aspects of our culture are under the rule of Mammon.
If that is the case then we should see much evidence of the worship of money in our culture. Do we see that?

The Almighty Dollar

Sadly there is much evidence that many in our culture worship the almighty dollar. Money controls much of what people do. Much evil, exploitation and abuse of others is done in the name of profit, selfishness and greed for gain.

The evidence suggests that Mammon is living large in western culture. So let’s take a moment to observe just a few evidences of this reality.

The Rip Off Game

The rip-off morality rules many people’s hearts and controls their actions. They have no sense of guilt or shame about exploiting others and stealing their goods from them.

King Solomon warned his son against joining those who will even kill in order to get other people’s goods.

“My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent. If they say, Come with us, let us lay wait for blood, let us lurk secretly for the innocent without cause: Let us swallow them up alive as the grave; and whole, as those that go down to the pit: We will find all precious substance, we will fill our houses with spoil: Cast in your lot with us; let us all have one purse: My son, do not walk in the way with them; refrain your foot from their path: For their feet run to evil, and make haste to shed blood.” Proverbs 1:10-16

That is the spirit of the rip-off merchants and the Mammonites. Their personal morality allows them to exploit others to the point of murder, in order to get more goods for themselves.

Some will protest that they are happy to rip people off, but would never kill them, but I assert that if you have Mammon as your god you are under the power of a murderous spirit, no matter how much you justify your own position.

Rip-Offs I Have Known

I met a man in Australia who openly shared about his involvement in various activities designed to take advantage of the unwary. He had no moral conscience about taking advantage of people. If they were silly enough to leave themselves vulnerable then he saw it as perfectly reasonable to take their money from them.

On one occasion he colluded with others to buy a large number of shares in an exploration company. Then they talked up the value of the company and sold their shares for a handsome profit to people who did not do their own due-diligence.

This was just a matter of doing business as far as he was concerned.

There was a twist to this story, however, when the exploration company actually found something of value and the shares were about to go up many more times in value. The rogue and his friends frantically scrambled to buy the shares back as cheaply as possible to ride the real increase in value that was about to happen.

I have lamented in other places about the USA attitude of Buyer Beware, where it seems a national sport to take down the unwary.

The Rip-Off Impulse

Some people so worship money that they cannot hold themselves back from taking advantage of others. My first experience of this came as a young lad. My mother sent me to the nearest shop where essential supplies could be bought. I was probably about seven years old at the time. The man who ran the shop, Harold Haddo (as I remember it) gave me the wrong change for my purchase.

My mother was most upset and grilled me to be sure I had not spent money on myself, which I had not. Then our neighbour advised us that Harold was famous for giving wrong change in his own favour. From that time on I had to be extremely careful when doing business with this smiling, friendly cheat.

Rather than make a completely honest living, this man tried to take just a little extra of all the vulnerable people who did business with him. It was an impulse that he could not resist. It made him a thief, liar and cheat. It robbed him of respect and made him an evil memory for all who knew him. He was happy to suffer all that for the sake of a few more dollars. Mammon ruled his life and his business.

Don’t Let The Cat Out of the Bag

Rip off practices are nothing new. The old saying “don’t let the cat out of the bag” dates back to the village practice of selling a piglet, but actually putting a cat into the bag instead. Letting the cat out of the bag meant the shopkeeper would be caught out.

Then, as far back as the time of Moses, laws were put in place about having honest weights, so customers were not ripped-off. A man who had different measures in his bag was to be condemned.

Would You Sell Your Children?

In Thailand my friend is working in the recovery of children sold into the sex trade. These village children are sold into this hideous degradation by their parents. I always assumed it was poverty and desperation that would motivate a parent to even consider such a thing. I am informed that parents will sell their children simply to have the money for something the parents would like to buy.

This is Mammon at work in the village culture. The desire for money and personal gain is motivating parents to condemn their children to abuse.

While many shudder at the thought of selling a child to slavery for any reward, they think little of people aborting a baby because it will be an inconvenience to them.

Many people have told me how they refused to have more than one or two children because they wanted to live better than they would be able to if they had more children. By that admission they are saying that money (Mammon) is more important to them than children.

While that is not the same as selling a child or killing a child, it is of the same spirit, the spirit of Mammon. Money is so important that anything which might reduce its availability, even children, is to be avoided.

A Mammon-free World

What would western culture look like if there were no love of money? What would life be like if people only worshipped God and nothing else?

Imagine a world where no one would make or sell a product unless they knew it provided excellent value. Imagine a world where everyone fully and accurately disclosed the condition of the goods they had on offer. Imagine a world where every saving made by the company was passed on to the customer.

Imagine a world where money was made by providing value, quality and service, and that any way to save the customer money was pursued and the benefit passed to the customer.

Imagine a world where any miscalculation was corrected and any advantage taken of someone was repaid to them as a matter of priority. Imagine a world where people created extra value for their customers and gave it to them free of charge.

That is the world that God created you to be a part of and that He created for you to enjoy. It is your worship of Mammon that has destroyed that world. So let’s repent of giving our world over to the destructive and evil influence of Mammon and money.

Let’s reclaim our world and let everyone enjoy its glory.

Little One 3

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Here is another “Daddy Dialogue” to a little child. Parents may wish to offer something like this to their children.

“Sweetheart, you are such a precious gift into this home. God loves us SO much that He has given YOU to us, to make us so very happy. You are special and precious and mummy and I thank God for giving you to us as our little child.

You know that we love you and that God wants us to train you so you will be everything He wants you to be. But there’s something else I want to tell you about too.

There is a naughty angel who ran away from God. That bad angel wants to help people do the wrong thing, so that God’s heart will be sad. And one of the things that bad angel does is tell God that good people are bad.

That bad angel has already been talking to God about you. He says that you really aren’t a nice person at all. He says that you will do bad things and disobey your mummy and daddy. He says you will be greedy and selfish and that you will try to get your way when you can.

God laughs at the devil’s lies. God knows that He created you to be a wonderful person who loves God and does what is right.

So that’s why I am telling you about this now. Every time you do something wrong the devil will jump up and down and clap his hands. He will laugh at God and say, “See, I told you so!” And God will be sad.

But God knows that even when you do wrong things you can always ask Him to forgive you. He is always happy to forgive you if you are sad about what you have done. When God forgives you it is as if you never ever did the wrong thing at all.

God knows that you will do some wrong things so He is not worried about what the devil says. God wants you to learn how to be strong and He also wants mummy and me to train you.

Mummy and daddy have to train you by punishing you when you do something wrong. We do that because we love you and want to take any foolish ideas out of your heart, so it will be easier and easier for you to make God happy.

Let’s pray together now and tell God that we are not going to do the bad things the devil wants us to do.

“Lord God, thank You that You love us. We know that the devil doesn’t like us and he wants us to do bad things. But we make up our mind that we will only do right things. If we fail and do something that we should not do we will ask You to forgive us. We will ask for Your strength so we can resist all those evil things.

Thank You for loving us and helping us be good people who are happy and free. We ask this prayer in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

Yesterday is Gone

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The Beatles made a huge hit singing “Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away”. And others waxed poetic about how “Yesterday’s gone” and how they remember “Yesterday when I was young” and so on.

Yesterday’s Hold

The reason “yesterday” has such a hold on people’s lives is that we all carry the past into the present and beyond that into the future. Yesterday is the time we sowed certain things into our lives and today we reap the harvest. So yesterday is a powerful component of ‘today’ and it will still be making its presence felt when we get to tomorrow.

The Catholic Church teaches people to go to confession to deal with the sins of yesterday. Someone sneered at the habit of some who sin during the week and look for forgiveness in the confessional on the weekend. They said it was like sowing wild oats all week and then praying for a crop failure.

The Hindu faith respects the baggage of yesterday as karma, which we carry not only through this life, but into future lives which Hindus believe they will face. Gautama Buddha, who rejected the Hindu teaching of reincarnation, went so far as to say that we cannot remove our Karma even in a thousand lifetimes.

Yesterday’s Debris

Here are just a few of the things we bring with from yesterday, even though yesterday is gone.

We bring our disappointments from yesterday. We face disappointments with others, such as our parents and family. But we also face disappointments with ourselves.

We bring our broken relationships from yesterday. Once we have offended someone else or they have offended us that damage remains, often throughout life. Family reunions and community life become tinged with the hurt and offence that we feel toward others and they feel toward us.

We bring our compromises from yesterday. Once we have compromised our values and character that becomes a weak spot for us from that time on.

We bring our slaveries from yesterday. When we give in to sin, such as anger, pride, jealousy or lust, that thing enslaves us and it controls us throughout our lives.

Today’s Harvest

It is also true, as the Bible teaches, that our actions and choices involve us sowing seeds in our lives. A seed not only remains, but it germinates and produces a whole crop. So when we sow something into our life, we are setting up a harvest in the future.

Today’s harvest is filled with the fruit of the things we planted yesterday. If we planted selfishness, pride, anger, greed, violence, self-pity, wilfulness, addiction, lies or other evil things, we will have an evil harvest today.

If we planted forgiveness, faith, love, trust, humility and the fear of God then we will have a much better harvest today than others might have.

Yesterday is not ‘Gone’

While the songs might say, “yesterday’s gone” it isn’t true. Yesterday has passed, but it has not ‘gone’. Yesterday lives with you today.

Just as yesterday’s piano lessons undergird today’s musicianship and yesterday’s studies undergird today’s understanding, yesterday’s moral choices undergird today’s character.

Transforming Yesterday

“You can’t go back in time” is one way to look at it. “What’s done is done!” might be your way of dismissing the past. But there are powerful ways of unlocking the past and transforming yesterday. Let me briefly outline two of them.

Confession of Sin is a powerful way to unlock and transform yesterday. When you repent of the choices you made in the past God is able to set you free from the debris and consequences of those choices in the present. You can actually get a crop failure, even though you sowed lots of wild oats.

God can go back in time. While you are stuck in the time-space continuum, God exists outside of time. So He is able to go back to your past and make Himself present, bringing healing to things that are part of your yesterday that has ‘gone’ from you.

A Testimony

A friend of mine named Malcolm visited a lady who had chronic problems. When he prayed for her she had a vision of a baby crying in a cot. She realised that she was seeing herself as a tiny baby. She sensed the extreme distress of the baby and it connected with the pain that kept surfacing in her life.

A spirit of intercession came on Mal and he began to weep for her. As he did she saw in her vision that the door to the baby’s room opened and Jesus walked in. Jesus lifted the baby into His arms and as He did the woman felt all her pain and torment drain from her life.

It was as if Jesus was able to go back in time to the entry point of the woman’s troubles and resolve them, even though that was now many years past.

Saying Good-bye to Yesterday

If yesterday has brought its bad baggage with it into your today then be encouraged to say “Good-bye” to that stuff. You can remove it forever by confession and by asking the Lord to unlock and heal your past.

The Steps to Release, which I have written about in my books and in other posts, will be helpful in this process.

I want you to live in the freedom with which Christ has made you free. I want you to be able to say, in all reality, that Yesterday is Gone! Keep all that is good from yesterday and unlock and remove all that is bad. Once you’ve said “Good-bye” to yesterday’s rubbish you will have an even better future to look forward to.