Tag Archives: relationships

Men are From Earth and Women Are Too

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If you think you come from Mars or Venus, I’m sorry to have to tell you that you are as earth-bound as they come. You are as human as human can be. Youz aint been nowheres else and youz aint goin’ nowheres else.

Men are from “Earth”. And Women are from …. “Earth”. It’s as simple as that.

space man

In fact, to be technically correct, Men are from Earth and Women are from Men! The account of creation given in the Bible informs us that man was made from the dust of the earth and woman was made from flesh taken from the man’s side.

“And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.” Genesis 2:7

“And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, he made into a woman, and brought her to the man.” Genesis 2:22

So, while men and women are different (and the French say “Oui, Oui! Viva la difference!”) they are from the same stock and have all too much in common.

So, let’s not get too excited about aggrandizing the peculiarities of men and women, as if those differences have celestial significance. There are some very earthy things about men and women, and the differences between them are very earthy too.

Earthlings

Earthlings are pretty undesirable creatures. Without wanting to run you down, it can be good to see yourself for who you really are. I’d like to show you some of the things that make earthlings “un-special”.

We are undesirable when compared with God, our Maker. The human heart is full of evil thoughts and intentions. Wealth, provision and education do not save humans from degradation. While we may improve our society and living standards, the ugly issues of hatred, prejudice, vengeance, jealousy, violence, resentment, unforgiveness, selfishness, pride, contempt, intolerance, lust, and the like, still spring from the human heart.

“But those things which proceed out of the mouth come out of the heart; and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies: These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile a man.” Matthew 15:18-20

So, while earthlings try to elevate themselves socially, politically, economically and academically they are brought down by the desperately wicked things in their human heart.

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” Jeremiah 17:9

Battle of the Sexes

When old professor Higgins said, “Why can’t a woman be like a man?” he was putting womankind down. And that taunting of one by the other has been a long-standing theme. The “can’t live without ’em and can’t live with ’em” frustration has been celebrated in literature, song and movies.

Terms such as male chauvinism, militant feminism, the superior sex and mere male, reflect something of the sweeping presence of the battle of the sexes.

Even the Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus discussions tend to reflect a pursuit of personal value, to fortify against the sexual put-down that many people confront.

In the face of the “We’re better than you” arguments, allow me to repeat that “earthlings are pretty undesirable creatures”. It is not that men are cretans and women have higher moral value. Nor is it that “it’s a man’s world and women must accept their place”. Both men and women are deeply flawed creatures, significantly limited and eternally doomed.

What is Man?

On two occasions King David wrote in his psalms the question, “What is man that God should pay him any attention?” David acknowledged that humanity has no endearing quality when compared with God.

“What is man, that you are mindful of him? And the son of man, that you visit him?” Psalm 8:4

“LORD, what is man, that you take knowledge of him! Or the son of man, that you make account of him!” Psalm 144:3

Humankind is not some wonderful creature, whether male or female. In fact, every human is “undone”, useless, worthless, and hopeless. Man does not have the capacity to save himself, and every man has become totally overpowered by sin. No man or woman is righteous. In our humanness (our flesh) there is nothing of any value.

“As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one” Romans 3:10

“For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwells no good thing: for despite my intentions I cannot do the good I want to do.” Romans 7:18

Flawed Relationships

What kind of relationships do flawed people create? They create flawed relationships. Earthlings do not do anything well. And that is just as true for our relationships. Our evil heart reacts to others. Our selfish desires impose on others. Our human weakness fails others.

Wives easily fall into contending with their husbands, like a continually dripping tap. Men easily fall into stubborn resistance. Games such as “No Speaks”, or outbursts and arguments are quickly learned and readily made part of human interaction. Psychologists invent terms such as “co-dependency” and “dysfunctional” to describe the flawed relationships humans create.

Pouting, sulking, manipulating, arguing, rejecting, stonewalling, contending, abusing and neglecting are just some of the typical flaws we see in interpersonal relationships. We even have domestic abuse and violence to further testify to human ability to create flawed relationships.

Hope For Humans

Despite the desperate limitations of earthlings, there is great hope for humans. Millions of homes around the world are largely free from the flaws I have pointed to. This is not because the humans are superior, but because they have drawn upon a superior source.

When hopeless humans call upon the eternal God they are empowered to rise above their own depravity and enjoy the glorious liberty of being a child of God.

Our starting point is that we are hopeless and undone. So then we humble ourselves before God and call on His grace. God then forgives us and creates new life within us. Our “born again” spirit now brings God’s grace, wisdom, fruit and power into our weak and failing lives. As we follow God’s instructions, under His lordship over our lives, our hearts are renewed and our lives transformed.

There is abundant hope for humans. It is not on Venus, or on the earth. It comes from heaven, where our Saviour is seated at the right hand of God, ready to give us salvation, forgiveness and new life.

From Earth to Heaven

Men and Women are from Earth, but they don’t have to stay there. We can’t draw on resources from Mars or Venus, but we can draw on eternal blessings and miracle power from Heaven. When we do that we become children of the God of Heaven. Then, when we have completed this earth-bound journey we will go from here to heaven.

Meanwhile we can bring a little of heaven to earth, in our homes and relationships. But that involves us making a connection with Almighty God in Heaven, through faith in Jesus Christ, His Son, as our Saviour and Lord. And in doing that, there is amazing hope for humans, not only in this life, but in the life to come.

Tensions at Home

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When home life becomes sour, husbands and wives tend to fall into predictable patterns. While these are not universal they do have historic and Biblical recognition. So, I want to point out the patterns which you are tempted to fall into and the Biblical solution to wrong responses.

Interpersonal relationship is made difficult by the fact that it is “personal” – inter-personal. We look for close affectional bonds and relationships of mutual respect and trust. We want to be loved, appreciated, valued, empowered, given room to express ourselves and so on. These ideals are anchored deep in our “personal” self.

Stop Being Personal

When someone offends us or strains our relationship with them it is hard not to take that personally. When we take it personally we spiral into predictable patterns and responses.

argument 2

The solution, then, is to stop being “personal” about life. But that’s like saying, “Stop breathing!” We are so distracted by our inner self and our hopes, dreams, insecurities, fears, longings, and so on, that it is hard not to be “personal” about them. In fact, for many people, EVERYTHING is personal!

You stop being “personal” about life, not by numbing or destroying your inner self, but by resolving and releasing your inner self. When you find true love, joy and peace, with wholeness, confidence, trust in God, faith in God’s Word, release from your inner slaveries, and similar spiritual impacts of walking with God, your inner self is realised and released. You can then soar above the regular or even more challenging issues of life, like an eagle soaring high above a storm.

You will “mount up with wings like an eagle”!

Back to Earth

Eagle Shmeagle! What’s the point of this talk about eagles when you live like a Turkey among a bunch of Turkeys?! While soaring above the problems is your ideal and the goal of your life, the reality is that most people can’t even jump, let alone soar above the issues.

Humans are incredibly useless creatures. We are tied up in the things of our “flesh”, such as our pride, lusts, evil heart responses, sin, weakness, selfishness, independence, and so on. Man does not have the key to unlock his problems or the wisdom to plot his own path.

“O LORD, I know that the way of man is not in himself: it is not in man that walks to direct his steps.” Jeremiah 10:23

That’s why New Year’s Resolutions generally don’t work. Those resolutions rely on flawed creatures, who can’t save themselves.

Man’s hope is not in himself. It is not in the strength of will or the force of personality. It is not in controls and regulations. Man needs the input of the Divine to empower him to overcome the limits of the Temporal.

Lead Feet

Your lead feet keep you on the ground. Your lead feet are those things that hold you to the ground and make it impossible for you to fly. And that includes all of your “fleshly” aspects. Your flesh buys into life at the level of your self-interest, lusts, pride and folly.

“And the LORD said, My spirit will not always strive with man, because he is also flesh….” Genesis 6:3a

Your “flesh” is your lead shoes. If you can die to your flesh, you can soar. If you insist on protecting your selfish interests (your fleshly focus) you will never escape your problems and your slavery.

“And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.” Galatians 5:24

Personal is Personal

Inter-“personal”- relationships are “personal”. They are ‘person to person’. The more open and honest each person is with the other then the deeper and richer the relationship. A formal relationship is not personal. And when one party is not interested in being open and honest with the other then deep relationship is not really possible.

Now, when an issue gets “personal” it is because it has impacted the personal limitations of one or other of the people. Something is only “personal” because it challenges the “person”. That’s why in some homes and communities certain things are discussed that others will never mention, because those things are too “personal”.

One person may speak openly about their failures while others take their whole life trying to hide any of their failures.

Personal Vulnerabilities

If you are full of personal vulnerabilities then just about everything will be personal to you. Those who are delightfully free on the inside don’t get personal about things that come up. They can face the issues without feeling their inner self compromised or challenged. They don’t have fears or shame to contend with. So the issue is a “light” one to them, while it is unbearably “heavy” to others.

So, the limitations upon interpersonal relationships relate directly to the quality of the persons involved. Tensions in the home result from each member taking things personally, based on their “flesh” perspective on life. The more pride, selfishness and unresolved issues a person has, the more things that come up will be “personal” to them. They will not be able to dismiss things or forgive others as freely as they should.

Predictable Patterns

Because humans are not free from their limitations there are predictable patterns which are repeated over and over again, through history. I will explore these patterns in greater detail in the next posts in this series. Allow me here to point out the predictable patterns which you will clearly recognise.

When women, especially wives, are offended or upset in a relationship, they tackle their husband or those they have taken issue with a tenacity that will not let the matter rest. Women tend to go on the offensive with words and persistence that may drive their husband crazy. He is likely to say, “She won’t let up!”

When men, including husbands, are offended or upset in a relationship, they tend to shut down and withdraw from the offender. If the offence is serious enough a man will erect barriers between himself and the offender. Those barriers can be completely impenetrable. A wife is likely to say, “He just shuts down and locks me out of his life!”

The Solution

The simple solution, and this is a perfectly real solution despite its simplicity, is to become free from “self”. When we live for God, outside our own selfish orientation, we can rise above the demands, foibles and limitations of our humanness and fleshly self.

We are not able to achieve that of our own will. We need God to make that possible for us. Don’t give up by saying, “I could never do that!” You are not supposed to do it. You are supposed to let God do it in you and for you.

So, no matter how much you have messed up your relationships there is a powerful solution. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. And it will be wonderfully effective. And all of this will be more fully explained later in this series.

Marriage Moment of Truth

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Marriages start out on an exciting note, full of happy expectation. Yet some of those marriages end up on the trash heap. At some point from the engagement to the divorce something went wrong. Whatever the challenges are that lead to a failed marriage other marriages weather the storm and come through stronger.

So, along the way from the proposal to the decree nisi there is some telling moment or development that tips the scales from success to sabotage; from freedom to failure; and from celebration to shame. So, we’re looking for the Moment of Truth in Marriage, where that tipping point is encountered.

Tipping Point

The Moment of Truth is that point in the couple’s journey where they make a decision, balk at a hurdle, draw a line or otherwise change the course of their relationship. What started as delight became bogged down with disappointment. Strife replaced celebration and the couple began to move toward the death of their marriage.

Now, the tipping point is not the same for each couple. Some couples know that it is all over by the end of the honeymoon. Other couples work together for thirty-five years before ending their marriage. For some there is a major shock, such as unfaithfulness, that bombards the relationship. For others some subtle, slow process sets in that eats away at the union.

This makes it hard to come up with a simplistic “tipping point” definition.

Attitude Not Action

The tipping point, or Moment of Truth, when a relationship takes a turn toward its own destruction cannot be built on an action. Marriages have proven to be incredibly resilient. Marriages have survived and even flourished after such tragedies and traumas as abuse, violence, adultery, death of a child, financial ruin, war, betrayal, attempted suicide, mental breakdown, and more.

The tipping point, then, is not an action. Instead it is an attitude. The attitude may spring to life in response to an action, but it is wrong to blame the action. Others have endured the same treatment, circumstances, disappointment, stress and so on, without destroying their marriage. So it must be firmly stated that the problem is NOT the action.

However, when a wrong attitude comes into the picture it can be poisonous, impossible to endure and persistent to the point of total destruction. The tipping point is the point at which a wrong attitude takes root, setting the course toward ultimate ruin.

Biblical Warning

Since the Bible is supremely relevant and current, we should expect it to speak clearly to this issue, and it does. There is a serious warning given in the New Testament which is probably directly linked to the Moment of Truth, or Tipping Point in marriage.

The Biblical warning is that people MUST give grace to one another. Specifically they are to give each other the “grace of God”. That means that they are to forgive each other, accept each other and be considerate of each other, in the same way that God is gracious to all of humanity. God gives sunshine and rain to both the good people and evil people. God is gracious, even to people who are campaigning to prove that God does not exist.

Humans, then, are to be ever willing to tolerate and be gracious to each other, just as God is.

But the warning goes further than that. The Biblical warning is that if a person fails to provide God’s grace to others the only alternative is that the evil attitude of bitterness will spring up in their life and lead to all kinds of problems.

“Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled” Hebrews 12:14,15

Let me paraphrase that text for you this way: “Be at peace with everyone. And keep yourself holy. If you are not holy you will never see God. Be diligent to keep on giving God’s grace to people. If you don’t a root of bitterness will spring up within you and agitate you. A root of bitterness will make trouble for many people around you.”

Key Moment

The key moment in your marriage is not how or where you propose. It’s not how long your engagement is. It is not the wedding day, or the wedding night. It’s not the honeymoon. It’s not your first year, or your first home. It’s not based on how soon the kids come along, or how many you have or don’t have. It’s not about how much money you have or whether one, both or none of you work.

The key moment in any marriage is that moment when one or other of the couple decides to stop giving grace to the other. When one person makes the internal decision, “I’ve had enough of that”, “I’m not taking any more of this”, “I won’t forgive them this time”, or something like that, they have tipped the marriage into the path toward destruction.

It is possible for a couple to come close to that point several times, and still survive. If the person tips back, changing their mind and forgiving, extending grace, accepting the one they had decided to reject, then they can undo the damage that has been done. But when they come to that point and decide to stick on that track, that’s when the end has been determined.

The Grace of God

The most valuable ingredient you can bring into any relationship, then, is the grace of God. A couple which has determined to always forgive and extend grace to each other will be able to ride over the ups and downs of their relationship.

Remember that bitterness only springs up when someone has determined to stop giving God’s grace. As long as the graces of forgiveness, compassion, acceptance, sacrificial commitment and such like are poured into a marriage that marriage can weather any storm or strain.

When the attitude turns from one that gives grace to one that digs in with hardness of heart, bitterness takes root and poisons the mind, attitudes, decisions and relationships.

Remember, the problem is not the actions experienced, but the attitudes taken up in response to those things.

Moments of Grace

Protect your marriage with moments of grace. Tip your marriage toward success and indestructibility. Determine, with God’s help, to give grace to each other. Determine to continue extending grace, God’s grace, no matter what.

Instead of having Moments of Truth and Tipping Points that turn your marriage into dust, have Moments of Grace and multiple Turning Points which turn your marriage back to God’s grace and God’s miraculous provision for your happiness and success.

Rejection 3 Heart Cry

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The cry of the human heart is to be loved. And that sets people up for deep rejection experiences. And, as we saw in Rejection 2, this is somewhat out of our control, because we were designed as love receptors.

Above everything else that people seek, they want to be loved. And this yearning for love not only motivates us, but it brings people into some of their deepest pains.

Hidden Longing

People are unlikely to tell you that they are desperate to feel loved. It’s one of those things that people don’t talk about, especially in Western culture. So this deep heart cry to be loved functions as a hidden longing in the human heart.

People mask this longing by investing themselves in activity, success and a myriad other things. And, of course, people can find great meaning and value in things other than relationships. However, the hidden longing for loving care, affection, value to others and the like is still present in people’s lives.

Heart Crying

Not only is our desire to be loved our heart cry, our experience of not being loved makes our heart cry. Loneliness, hurt, fear, shame, heartache, pain, desperation, self-rejection, and many similar terms relate to the cry of the crying heart.

Now, people usually hide their pain, so you won’t often see this heart cry on someone’s face. Most people pull themselves together, put on their ‘stiff upper lip’ and soldier on. They may do so in hope that things will get better, or simply not wanting to add shame to their hurt feelings. However they come to it, most people cry on the inside, but keep up appearances on the outside.

Universal Pain

I expect that everyone has had moments of inner sadness and pain. A life without disappointment is hard to conceive. We all have hope for good things, and when those good things don’t materialise we have to work through a reality check, and then keep going.

So pain is a universal experience. Moments of crying on the inside are commonly understood. How we react to it and deal with it can be varied, but the initial pain is part of the human experience.

My Tears

I don’t know where my feelings of rejection and inferiority came from. I have asked God to show me and to date He has never made it clear to me. But I do know of times when I felt pain in my later years.

I can recall wetting my pillow with burning tears that ran down my cheeks late at night. I can recall the quivering lips as I tried to suppress inner hurts and disappointments. I can recall the intense feelings of insecurity, feelings of intimidation around people who made me feel inferior, and feelings of fear of being mocked or shown up in some way.

I can recall the burning heat of a face bright red with shame. I remember the burning eyes, streaming tears and glowing cheeks which I experienced too often.

I’m sure I am not unique.

Love is Powerful

That is why love is so powerful. Everyone wants to be loved. While you may not ‘love’ others in any emotional sense, you can at least care about them.

If you notice someone, talk with someone, listen to someone, show care to someone, meet someone’s needs, give consideration to someone, speak up for someone, take time for someone, you will have powerful impact in their life. That’s because everyone really wants to be loved.

If you are keen to build a bridge toward someone, then choose to make them special. Show them affection, care, compassion, consideration, respect, attentiveness, value, or the like and they will register that, unless they are totally closed to you or the world.

Important People

Someone once pointed out to me that the last thing I should ever casually talk about with a celebrity is what makes them famous. A person’s fame is usually the curse of their life. What they want to find is someone who values them as a person, not as a performer.

The same is true for people who are attractive. Many attractive women are annoyed by the amount of attention people pay to them. They learn to distrust the motives of people who look at them, smile at them and want to interact with them.

When you take an interest in the person for who they are, not for what they mean to you, you are giving them a very special gift. So always be ready to talk about the inane, or to find out what is important to that person. A star may be very relieved to talk with someone about their first dog, or the food they hate, or something equally as distant from their stardom.

The Power of Compassion

While you are still thinking about dealing with your own pain and need, take time out to show compassion to others. Remember, they have a heart cry to be loved.

Learn how to make others feel special. Learn how to listen to them and engage them in things that THEY value. Give them your time and your listening ear. Engage with their stories and their personal journey. Most people are blessed to have that kind of royal treatment, and some people are desperate for it.

Things are so bad today that people pay money to a therapist to simply listen to them and show some kind of understanding. Now that says something about how desperate the heart cry has become in Western society. Even family and neighbours are failing to show the care and concern that was once part of normal life. People are paying others to at least resemble what care and compassion look like.

Can you see a ministry opportunity in all that? I can. And I release you to go and do it!

How Relationships Work Part Four

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Marriage relationships are strained by choices which people make or situations which people allow to operate to the harm of the union. In part three of this series we looked at how a person’s automatic ‘reactions’ are a big problem.

When someone presses our buttons we can shift into automatic mode and say and do things which are not good for the relationship, because we cannot control our reactions.

Making Demands

Relationships are also strained by the demands made by one or both of the spouses. Demands can be made overtly or almost subliminally, but still bring great pressure onto a marriage relationship.

When people don’t fit in with our hopes or expectations, or our perceived needs and wishes, we can easily look for ways to make demands on that person. I have seen it done very openly and boldly at times, to the point of public argument and putting on a ‘scene’ (as we call it). Yet I have had others seek help to deal with the insidious demands made on them by a manipulating spouse, even though no-one would ever suspect.

Making demands on our spouse is potentially a form of abuse. This is especially true if the demands spring from selfishness and wilfulness, rather than from a genuine concern for the good of others.

Idol or Idolater

Some people make demands on their spouse because they actually have an idol in their heart.

They may have thought at some time in the past that having a husband or wife would solve some of their personal pain and inner needs. By coming to that conclusion they have made their spouse into an idol.

When a person has made their spouse into an idol, expecting them to bring important blessing into their life, then they are likely to make extra demands on their spouse. They will have heightened expectations and be hurt and disappointed if the spouse does not fulfil their hopes.

Being an idol to your spouse is a tough role, since you are not God and will certainly fail them. Making an idol of your spouse sets you up for bitter disappointment, because they are just as human as you are and they will never be able to do in your life what you need God to do for you.

Disengaging Authority

It is possible in a marriage for a couple to disengage the correct authority structure which God has given them. When this happens the relationship gets tangled up and the couple are unable to resolve some of the tensions and problems which are created.

Authority is a divine mandate, so when it is violated in a relationship the union is damaged.

When a wife takes matters into her own hands she is violating her place of submission to her husband. When a husband turns off to the problems and needs he is violating his place of responsibility for his wife and family.

Authority in the home is clearly prescribed in the Bible and it does not work as well any other way. While there are many dysfunctional homes in which the authority structure is totally mangled, there is still no better way to run a home than according to God’s authority hierarchy. That hierarchy puts God at the top, Christ next, then the husband, then the wife, and then the children. Parents have authority over their children. Husbands have authority over their wife. Men must be under God’s authority.

Often in today’s Western relationships there is an agreement to share responsibility. This comes from the feminisation of our culture. Men have become ‘snags’ (sensitive new-age guys) and women have become assertive. But today’s Western preference does not discharge reality. Do not disengage the authority which God established in the home.

Diffusion Strategies

When a couple or family is given to arguments and upsets they need effective strategies to diffuse the tensions that otherwise emerge.

A key to effective diffusion strategies is to acknowledge godly authority in the home. God requires the husband to be the head of his wife and the children to submit to their parents. A wise and godly husband should recognise when tensions are developing, even if he created them, and he should employ godly diffusion strategies to protect the marriage and family.

A simple strategy is to acknowledge that tensions are mounting and feelings have become aroused. He can then insist that the matter be stopped immediately. If the issue is important, such as someone being offended, or some similar issue needing to be resolved, the father needs to determine the time and place when the matter can be followed up, without the current elevated emotions. He may dictate, “We will all have a fair say on this matter after dinner tonight, but I don’t want to hear another word about it until then”. Note, he must follow through on such arrangements, or he will be despised in his home.

He might diffuse a situation by referring the matter to God. “We’ve all had our say and we all know where we stand on this matter. I can’t see any happy way to resolve our differences, so we are going to all pray together about this and give the problem to God. We will then expect Him to bring us His wisdom in the coming week.”

Diffusion strategies are not designed to remove the problems or to bring the much needed healing. What they achieve is putting the brakes on run-away emotions and escalated tensions which will only lead to argument and further hurts.

Working Relationship

In a working relationship each person is a mature, responsible person, living in the fear of God. They are human so they will make mistakes, tend to selfishness and create problems in their relationships. However, they will be humble enough to admit that something is wrong, identify and rectify their fault, take appropriate responsibility for themselves and others and work proactively and constructively toward a godly solution.

The Relationships Series of Articles ….
Part One: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-1
Part Two: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-2
Part Three: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-3
Part Four: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-4

How Relationships Work Part Three

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Interpersonal relationships are among our most precious life experiences. And they DO work. However, it is also common for people to mess up their relationships. There are two main causes for damage to relationships. One cause is simple ignorance. Some people are selfish, inconsiderate, foolish, naïve or irresponsible, and they blunder on, damaging the things God has given them.

Another cause is more sinister, when a person acts selfishly on purpose. They may know better, but are simply determined to be the centre of their universe. Among this category are the argumentative, the users and abusers and the self-centred fools.

This series on how relationships work is starting out as an educative source for those who are sensible enough to learn and lift their game. Before the series is out I will add some straight talk, as I have done elsewhere, about the matters of sheer determined selfishness.

Interpersonal Ignorance

The problem in many relationships is often simple interpersonal ignorance. When people do not understand relationship, or understand themselves and others, they may enter into tensions in complete ignorance of how they are part of the problem. Selfishness is one of the worst diseases to bring into any relationship. And ignorance of its existence and impact will cost dearly.

A few simple ‘home truths’ about people and how they relate, combined with a few simple ‘common sense’ strategies will go a long way to helping people reduce their interpersonal tensions. Add to that some personal healing, humility, wisdom and submission to godly claims on their life and pain filled relationships can become joyful and fulfilling again.

Reactions are a big problem. Making demands is a serious issue. Disengaging authority is really dangerous. So let me take you through some of these issues.

Buttons on Your Dashboard

Don’t be a ‘reaction’. Each of us has a set of buttons on the dashboard of our life. There are certain ways in which people can rub us up the wrong way, offend us, awaken our areas of pain and weakness, touch our raw nerve and press our buttons.

The issue is that of our reactions. In an ideal situation each of us should be so whole and complete on the inside that we never need to react to anything. By ‘react’ I mean to be trapped in an involuntary and predictable response impulse which interrupts other things we could or should be focused on.

My son, Christopher, was in a high speed motorcycle filming sequence recently when a large insect flew at his face mask. He did not need to react to that, since the mask would deflect the insect. But he instinctively reacted, pulling his head to the side. The head movement threw his motorbike off course as he entered a corner at high speed. Consequently he and his bike ran off the road, became airborne and crashed into a ditch, leaving him unconscious and the bike and camera written off.

The buttons on the dash have a similar effect. They cause us to fly into response mode. The consequences can be very serious. So it is important to be so resolved in our own inner life that we simply do not need to react to accusation, offence, hurts, words, shame, or any such thing.

Removing Buttons

For people who react it is as if there is a set of buttons on the dashboard of their life. When someone presses one of those buttons the response can be instant, significant and relied upon to happen.

If a man’s ego is challenged or if a woman is insulted we often see the person react. This is typical of the “button on the dash” problem.

Those buttons on our dashboard need to be deactivated and the whole panel removed from our life. This takes the ministry of the Holy Spirit, instruction from the Word of God and application of the Grace of God to deactivate the programmed responses and sinful, selfish commitments we have set up in our lives.

We need to be open to the Lord’s rebuke. We need to open our hearts to the Lord’s instruction. We need to expand our understanding of truths and principles which may be missing in our lives. We need to learn godly disciplines and gain control over our own spirit. We need to put our pride to death, along with the lusts which drive us. We need to forgive those who offended us and trust God to be our shield and exceeding great reward. We need to look to Him, and not to our own energies, to establish our security for the future.

Yielding Rights

Part of dealing with the buttons in our life is yielding our rights. This is the process of dying to self and making ourselves of no reputation, as Jesus did. It is the process of putting other people first.

Most westerners have been raised to think that their existence is all about themselves. Their hopes, wants, feelings, demands, needs, urges and impulses rule them. Yielding rights is part of the process of dying to self and putting God and others ahead of ourselves. If your life motto proves to be “It’s all about ME!” then you will have serious relationship issues through the years.

Yielding rights involves you making the commitment that “It’s not all about me, but it’s about me serving and glorifying God and blessing others”. When you get yourself out of the way you will be much more able to sustain successful interpersonal relationships.

Zone and Mouth Disease

In part one of this series I introduced you to the Zombie Zone. In part two I discussed how many people need to be affirmed by input from or interaction with others. A mismatch between these two inclinations leads to tensions and upsets.

Let’s consider the couple who have ‘zone and mouth disease’. One of them is in their private relaxation zone – maybe watching TV, reading a book or driving the car. The other feels the need to speak and be noticed in some way.

When the person in their private zone is disrupted they can selfishly be offended, or they can happily pull their self out of their private musings and attend to the matter raised. They can decide to bless the other with their attentive listening and helpful contribution to the discussion.

When the person who feels the need to speak sees the other person zoned out, or does not get the response they want from the person who is otherwise turned off to some degree, they can selfishly be offended, or they can happily leave that person to some peace and quiet. They can decide to bless the other person by taming their urge to speak or be acknowledged.

Intolerance

One problem that develops in relationships is that the parties become intolerant of the other person’s habitual actions. It can be that one spouse will turn off to the other and that other will be given to pressing their claim on the spouse who is not listening. Both spouses become intolerant of the other’s treatment of them. This intolerance factor becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of frustration.

“He (or she) switches off!” “Yes, but she (or he) won’t leave me alone!”

To make that worse, some people press themselves on their spouse for bad reasons. They may be insecure, controlling, resentful, agitated, anxious or the like. They find it impossible to let their spouse have peace and quiet. If they feel unresolved they feel compelled to inflict their feelings onto their spouse. They become intolerant of the spouse’s freedom from their own frustrations.

At the same time, some spouses disengage and will not accept responsibility for their actions, words or duties. They may be lazy, careless, fed-up, selfish, irresponsible, incompetent, or the like, and resent all pressure to change, even if it is valid. They quickly become intolerant of the demands being made upon them.

Aim for Relationship

Remember that relationship is built on two people ‘relating’. How can they walk together unless they are agreed?

When disagreement has sprung up the two will not be able to ‘relate’, so the relationship will be damaged. What you need to do is aim for relationship, not your selfish wishes.

When you put yourself ahead of the relationship, even if you think the other person has been wrong, you are doing damage to that relationship. Self is an alternative to the relationship, not a means of helping the relationship.

Relationships work when people put the relationship first and their selfish demands second. So, no matter what has been happening in your marriage or family, aim for Relationship!

The Relationships Series of Articles ….
Part One: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-1
Part Two: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-2
Part Three: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-3
Part Four: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-4

How Relationships Work Part Two

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Since relationships are often our happiest and most painful experiences it is important to understand how relationships work. Most people are brainwashed by pop-culture into thinking that relationships succeed by luck and that pain is to be expected and taken for granted.

The Bible reveals that relationships can work wonderfully, for the whole of our lives. They were built to last; as long as people live the way God wants them to, and not in the destructive, selfish way they are taught to live by western culture.

This series opens up observations about how relationships work best and what things you need to be aware of and even avoid in order to succeed in your relationships.

Zombies and Comfort

The first article introduced the idea of our comfort zone, or zombie zone, where people tend to switch off to those around them. This can be because they are relaxing or unwinding, or it could be because they are focused on some task, process or outcome.

People who retreat into their comfort zone may inadvertently project rejection or neglect to those they relate to, since it is easy to react negatively to disturbances or interruptions when we are in our comfortable zone.

However, that is only part of the picture. While most of us enjoy our comfortable places, we also desire to have others give us attention. One person’s desire to be in their comfort zone and another’s desire to be noticed can create an immediate clash.

Invade and Pillage

People like to be valued, noticed, appreciated, listened to, and to be valuable to others. This simple desire can prompt some people to become commandos, attacking, invading and pillaging the time, attention, emotions and energies of others.

Most people don’t set out to be a marauding invader and many people whose input is resented would be offended at the suggestion that they have anything but noble and worthy intentions. However, this is a reality, by whatever name it is given, and so I am bringing it up early in this study of how relationships work.

Need to Speak

The process of invading other people’s space and pillaging their time, attention and emotions starts as a fairly innocent process. It is felt by most people simply as the need to speak.

Many people find a spontaneous urge to know something or to get a specific response from others. In reality this can actually be a need to be heard, a need to be reassured, a need to control, or similar urge, rather than a real need for information. It causes us to impose ourselves on others in some way or other. The fact that we have a question or otherwise have a justifiable excuse for speaking covers the fact that we might have a deeper motivation.

When travelling in a car, some children feel a keen need to ask, “How much longer now?” This question may come from their boredom, from their need to be noticed by their parents, from a need to hear their own voice, or some similar motivation. Some people are bothered by silence and need to chatter away.

Imposing and Dominating

Speech is a means of imposing ourselves on others and dominating them. Some people have a need to feel in control and so they impose themselves by their chatter, questions, explanations, micro-management, interference and so on.

We have all met people who variously insist on dominating conversations, or controlling the topics discussed, having the last word, persistently pushing their point of view, interrogating others, nagging on a issue, or even whining, complaining or similarly making their voice heard as an imposition onto others. Some impose themselves from a position of strength and assertiveness, while others do it by a more wheedling, pity-poor-me approach. Whichever way it is done, the urge and impact are much the same. It is a need to impose ourselves upon others and impact them in some way.

Commandeering and Abducting

At its worst, the need to impose and dominate becomes a full-on onslaught against others. Some people invade the lives of those around them and commandeer their time, demand their attention, abduct them from their activities, family and commitments, and make them slaves to the will and emotional needs of the invader.

Wives can do this to husbands, making the man into the wife’s “hormone hostage”, as it is jokingly identified. People who feel desperate, lonely, neglected and hurting can make these onslaughts into other people’s lives in an attempt to quell their inner feelings.

Assertive people can similarly invade and commandeer other people’s lives. Rather than doing it for emotional needs they may abduct other people for their own selfish ends. They may do it to gratify their personal need to feel powerful and important. They may recruit people to serve their goals. They may simply be addicted to control and domination and resent other people having freedom of choice, or even happiness independently of them.

Mismatch

People like to be valued, noticed, appreciated, and listened to by others. This causes people to seek contact and communication with others.

In situations where one person has entered their zombie/comfort zone and the other person needs to be affirmed or to speak, there can be a sorry mismatch. The zombie may ignore the speaker, or the speaker may insist on invading the zombie’s zone. Either way one has imposed on the other and both will probably be unhappy.

“He switches off and she won’t let him go!”

Such a mismatch often leads to reactions which are less than helpful. Reactions then take over and tensions escalate. A major relationship problem can spring from such small beginnings.

Accusations may be made, such as, “You never listen to me!” or “Why are you always doing this to me?” Feelings become hurt, past hurts resurface, unkind words are spoken, exasperation, rejection and other unhappy feelings come to the surface and there is little room to manoeuvre successfully.

Relationships Work

Despite these challenges of mismatch and upset which do easily occur in relationships I need to stress that relationships work. These challenges are not the end of the world. They are issues which need to be dealt with and they can most effectively be dealt with when people understand them and know what they are dealing with.

Don’t think that mismatch or personal needs and hurts that lead to upsets in any way signals an irreparable relationship. In the future parts of this series I’ll point out to you how to resolve many of the issues which are being put on the table now.

The Relationships Series of Articles ….
Part One: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-1
Part Two: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-2
Part Three: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-3
Part Four: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-4

How Relationships Work Part One

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Relationship challenges are one of the most common sources of personal frustration and challenge in today’s generation. The pop culture of song, television, books and movies is immersed in the theme of broken hearts, broken relationships, insecurity, temporary joys, frustrations, betrayal and similar relationship issues.

Interpersonal relationships, where two people must live and work together, require wisdom, grace and selflessness. In employment situations or task and process contexts, the assigned roles and overall objectives tend to anchor the relationships. In friendship, family and marriage, however, the people must make the relationships work without external routines and processes to act as guard rails to the relationship.

In this series of articles I will discuss several key insights into how relationships work. I draw the content from my counselling experience and what I have seen go wrong and right with those I have been privileged to assist.

Biblical Foundations

The best foundation to establish for relationships is faith in God, the grace of God through faith in Jesus Christ, and diligent attention to Biblical wisdom. Jesus Christ has given us much wisdom for making relationships work, such as the need to forgive and even to love our enemies.

King Solomon, the wisest man that ever lived, also gives us insights into relationships. So too do the prophets of old. One of the foundational truths given to us by the prophet Amos is that of agreement.

“Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” Amos 3:3

My understanding of what is best for people comes from my reading of the Bible. I encourage you to be a student of the Bible and to not just read it, but live by what it teaches.

Working Together

Couples bring together two personal styles which will often have areas of misalignment.

As Christ and truth works in the relationship there will be need to each person to seek and embrace ministry that sets them free. They will also need to learn graces such as forgiveness and the yielding of rights, to overcome their otherwise inappropriate behaviour. They also need management strategies, to employ during the time period before they have successfully dealt with issues.

Zombie Zone

Each of us has places where we switch into different mindsets. Most people have their favourite resting formula. It may be a comfortable chair in the sunroom, with their knitting, or their favourite chair in front of the TV set. It may be their desk or workbench, the kitchen, or behind the steering wheel. It may be with a magazine in hand, or a drink, or the television remote control.

Those favourite places are where we least like to be interrupted and we don’t like being called away from that repose.

Those places become a Zombie Zone of sorts for us. We switch off, or try to switch off from other claims on our time, energy or thinking, when we are in our favourite resting places. We can even become something like a zombie to our spouse or family members, as we sink into repose and switch off to other demands.

Twilight Zones

The Zombie Zone, described above, is not the only zone that people retreat to. Another popular zone is the Productivity Zone. When people are engaged in certain routine activities they can tend to shut themselves into that routine and exclude, or certainly seek to avoid, interruptions. They get caught up in their routine, desired outcome or automatic process. They don’t want to be interrupted from their operational zone.

Some people can do a task and remain alert to distractions, interruptions, interjections and so on. Others need to lock themselves into the routine and either concentrate on what they are doing, or just switch off during the process. I have seen people switch off into automaton mode when mowing the lawn, cooking, repairing something, talking on the telephone or working on their car. It’s not an uncommon experience.

These various productivity zones become a twilight zone in the person’s life. They tend to slip out of broader circulation and become absorbed in the task, routine or locale, as if somehow mesmerised by it.

When someone interrupts a person who is engaged (or disengaged) by their task the interruption can be resented. It is not uncommon to hear someone angrily say, “Can’t you see I’m busy?” Angry tones can carry such responses as, “What do you want?” “Go and ask your mother!” “Did you interrupt me just to ask me that?”

Place and Pace

The zombie zone and twilight zone are just expressions of our comfort zone. We each have various settled places, processes, speeds of operation, modes of functioning and the like, which we are completely comfortable in. When we are pushed out of that zone, or forced to work to a different paradigm or pace, we become uncomfortable.

When we have our comfort zone disturbed we can become irritable, intolerant of the interruption, and insecure in the new context.

The process of pushing someone outside their comfort zone is sometimes described as “rattling their cage”. The sense of agitation is readily identified. And we have all felt the uneasy, uncomfortable experiences of being pushed outside our preferred place and pace.

While we each have a different shape and different size comfort zone, we all prefer to work within the status quo of what we know and know we can handle. Even our sources of excitement and daring, such as venturing into new things, we prefer to be done in controllable and predictable ways, with safeguards and limitations.

Turning Off

While being in our favourite comfort zone suits us fine it can be a problem for others. Our private retreat, be it the zombie “switch-off” zone, the productivity zone, or our favourite place and pace zone, turns us off to things around us. It locks us away from time and attentiveness toward others.

While we may enjoy turning off to distractions, our retreat can be a real “turn off” to those who wish to engage with us. They may even need us.

Check your zombie mode. You may be rejecting others. You may be turning off to life, just to indulge yourself with your personal preferences. Your life needs to be shared. This is especially true when it comes to relationships. If you retreat or subconsciously turn off, you will freeze out those other people in your life who are meant to be a source of joy, meaning and blessing in your life.

Reconnect

Train yourself to open up your zone to allow others in. If you tend to switch off while you are driving then at least hold your spouse’s hand while you drive. Or if you need to kick people out of the kitchen while you prepare a meal, be sure to go to them as soon as you have finished and reconnect with them.

If you need the kids to be quiet while you make a phone call and you turn off to their needs as you chat with a friend, be sure to hug your kids when you get off the call.

Better still hug your kids while you are on the call. Invite others into your kitchen and get them to help you. Let the kids help you in your yard jobs, even if they mess things up.

Interpersonal relationships need you to connect with others, so beware of your retreat into your zombie zone.

Invasion

In the next instalment I will open up discussion of a different relationship challenge that is particularly problematic for people who enjoy their zombie zone. While most of us enjoy some degree of Zombie Zone, most of us also fall prey to some degree of “Invade and Pillage”. So that will be our theme next time.

The Relationships Series of Articles ….
Part Two: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-2
Part Three: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-3
Part Four: http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/relationships-work-4

Find the Right Husband

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I have met several men over the years who I think may make bad husbands. I would be reluctant to promote them to anyone I cared about.

So, what makes a man a bad husband? What are the qualities which women should
pay attention to when trying to find the right husband?

Putting on a Front

I recently heard a man advising young men to “look confident” when trying to impress a young lady. Girls don’t want men to be wishy-washy and so looking confident will enhance a man’s chances of making a good impression.

But can you see a problem there as well?

We all know that men who wish to impress will try harder than normal. They will dress neater, be cleaner, smell better, talk nicer, show their best qualities and restrain their less likable qualities. Once the man has won his woman he is likely to look scruffy, stay dirty, smell more, talk bad and let his worse qualities shine forth.

So women are in danger of being fooled by a man putting on a front to impress them. Looking confident is not a good thing to do if you are actually deceiving a woman into giving you trust you don’t deserve.

So, guys, the best thing you can do to impress someone is to actually become a wonderful person! Don’t put on a front, but actually become the person you would like to look like!!
That way you win and so does she!

Unresolved Issues

What comes out of a person, in their words, attitudes and actions, originates in their heart.When there are unresolved issues men will come out with actions and words that
betray their insecurity, need for control, fears, pride, selfishness and so on.

The key here is to deal with the inner garbage that is likely to bring ugly things out of you.
The garbage often comes out when the relationship is under strain. A young man might fear that his girl is losing interest in him, so he will tend to impose himself on her more and more, trying to control her. This will almost certainly drive the girl away from him, but it comes from the inner garbage, such as insecurity and personal need within the man.

So girls, be aware and beware of those unresolved issues in any man who comes along to impress you. When the friendship goes through its less happy moments be careful to see that unresolved stuff. If it is not dealt with it will be a curse in your relationship forever.

Openness and Wisdom

Another problem that spoils relationships is inability to deal with issues. When unresolved issues begin to spoil a relationship we then see how wise the man is in creating openness and effective processes for dealing with problems.

If a man has little wisdom he will rely on forcefulness in his personality, or
manipulation, emotionalism, fear, and so on. When these things are the man’s strategies for dealing with problems he can’t solve anything, but only make things worse.

That’s why some men go through various failed relationships. They do not have the wisdom to deal with their own weaknesses and failings.

For example, a man who is feeling insecure could tell his fiancé that he is struggling with personal feelings which are undermining him. He can then get help to become released from his
insecurity. He can empower her with ways to tell him when he is reacting badly and damaging the relationship. If he did those things he would be displaying openness and wisdom.

Alternatively he can believe the lie that her affection will heal him and then put all kinds of pressure on her to be his salvation. That will be the end of the relationship.

Spiritual Landscape

A further compounding factor is what I call the Spiritual Landscape. By that I mean the factors that are in the picture, but which you cannot see. For example, you have probably never seen your guardian angel, yet the Bible suggests you have one. You cannot see curses on people, but the Bible says people carry them. You can feel blessed, but you cannot see who is carrying a blessing and who is not.

That fine young man who turns up at your door with a bunch of flowers is part of a
spiritual landscape. There are good and evil influences at work in his life. If you are unaware of those things you will step into the problems and not know what has hit you.

Be a Wise Woman

A wise woman will prayerfully and carefully consider the Lord’s insights, so she can know in advance what are the unresolved issues, wisdom limitations and the spiritual landscape

A wise woman also listens to godly counsellors, especially her father, minister and mature, godly friends.

Find the Right Husband

If you want to find the right husband then beware of the man who is crazy about you but cold toward God.
Beware the man who can’t give you honour and grace when he is upset. If he
treats you with disrespect now, he will do it even worse when you are married.

Trust yourself to God. God can give you better than you can give yourself. And He can give you what you don’t deserve. Don’t rely on your figure, fashion and make-up to get the right man. Rely on God and those he has placed around you to watch out for you.

What if it’s Too Late?

If you have already married a bad husband, then your most powerful solution is to have God come into your marriage and make it better. You need to humble yourself before Him and call on Him to assist you, forgive you, heal you and build you into the person you should have been.

It’s never ‘too late’ with God. But the recovery doesn’t start with your husband, it starts with You!

Marriage Poems

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Poetry has the power to capture and express things that might otherwise be hard to say or even define. That’s why I love writing poetry and sharing with you.

I have written several poems and jottings which speak of marriage, including: I Do; A Fresh “I Love You”; Ode to a Wife; Pride Versus Humility; Moral Miracle of Marriage; The Garden Song; The Wedding; Two Streams Converge; and When We Were Wed.

These verses include Wedding Poems, poetry about marriage, poems that speak of the pain of relationships and verses that celebrate the uniqueness of the marriage relationship.

Each of these poems can be found at the Family Horizons website, by clicking the link:

http://familyhorizons.net/html/marriage_poems.html

http://familyhorizons.net/html/marriage_poems.html