Tag Archives: Heart

Creating a Lifestyle for Your Child

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Parenting is a great joy. It brings many wonderful blessings to both mum and dad.  So let me help those who are not so confident, with some Biblical insights.

A command given to parents is to train your child.  The Bible also gives advice about what we train into the child.  We train the child in the “way he should go”.  That means we create in our child a lifestyle they will follow.

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

Way to Go

We might better understand the phrase “way he should go” by thinking of it as the “lifestyle” the child will follow.  The way is not just a couple of key things we want the child to value, such as good manners or going to church.  The idea here is of a whole life orientation, not just a select few things.

In past generations Christian parents insisted on certain behaviours from their child, but let the world sow its lifestyle values as well.  The child then followed the lifestyle of the world, and may or may not have kept the particular few things the parents taught.

So give some thought to the “lifestyle” you want to create in your child, not just the few token behaviours that are important to you.

Course of Life

The Hebrew word translated as “way” in Proverbs 22:6 is ‘derek’, which refers to a road we tread (a ‘walk’ rather than a highway we drive along), and has the figurative meanings of a course of life or a mode of action.  The word is at times translated in the King James Bible as “conversation”, which does not mean talking, but “lifestyle”.

You, as the parent, train your child in the course of life and mode of action.  You determine the path they tread and cultivate the lifestyle they will live.  You are commanded to do so.

Do Not Abandon Your Child

If you are not training your child you are leaving him to himself.  You are warned in the Bible not to do that, because a child left to himself will bring his mother to shame.

“The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself brings his mother to shame.” Proverbs 29:15

Children need training.  You are to correct their wrong behaviour and direct their actions into the way you want them to live.  If you do not do that, maybe because you think their naughty actions are cute, or that you are supposed to let them discover their own way, you have failed the child and failed God.

A key aspect in training a child is to discipline them for their wrong choices, wrong actions and foolishness.  This basic Biblical training method is so essential it led to the saying, “If you Spare the Rod you Spoil the Child”.  To ‘spoil’ means to ruin, like food that has gone rotten. It is spoiled.  Do not abandon and spoil your child.

Core Lifestyle Values

To train a child in the right lifestyle you need to know what that lifestyle is.  Simply stated it is a ‘godly’ lifestyle.  It is a lifestyle centred on desire to glorify God and to live as God wants us to.  We know this from the prophet Malachi who explained that the reason God created marriage is to produce “godly seed”.

“And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.” Malachi 2:15

Note that being godly is not something we add on to our lifestyle, but is the core lifestyle value.  Some people who live for self, money, success, fame or other things are able to go to church, do good deeds and look quite godly.

But someone who is godly at heart has the desire to glorify God and to be blessed by God as their primary goal, not self, money, success, pleasure or those many other things.  While on the outside the behaviours may seem similar, at heart they are very different.

Training the Heart

God looks at the heart of your child.  God knows when your child loves self, the world, pleasure or other things.  It is vitally important for you to train the heart of your child.

“But the LORD said to Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.” 1Samuel 16:7

Since God sees the heart of your child and will reward your child accordingly, you also must look into the heart of your child and train their tender heart to love and respect God.

One way to do this is to have a close, heart to heart bond with your child, so they open their heart to you and you can speak into their life at the deepest level.

King Solomon expressed the father’s desire to have his son open his heart to his dad.

“My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways.” Proverbs 23:26

Both Parents Training the Child

Another key point is that training the child is done by both parents.  It is not the mother’s job or the father’s job.  Both mum and dad have a part to play and they work together to create the best outcome.

The Bible calls children to obey both mother and father, so obviously both parents are training them in the right lifestyle.

“Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.” Colossians 3:20

King Solomon reveals that the mother and father have complimentary roles.  He refers to the father’s actions and the mother’s contribution as different, yet obviously working together.

“My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not the law of your mother” Proverbs 6:20

A Godly Lifestyle

To train your child to a godly lifestyle you need to know what that lifestyle looks like.  It looks quite different to the values and actions of typical children and youth.  Western culture has moved far away from godliness and is based mostly on selfishness and worldliness.

If you allow your child to learn the values of their peers and what is found in everyday music, movies, advertising and role models then they have no hope of being godly.  You will not have trained them in the correct way.

Remember that you are training their heart to be tender toward God.  You want to develop in them a love for God and confidence that serving God and keeping God’s requirements brings them the greatest blessings, because it does.

Your Own Lifestyle

If your own lifestyle is full of addictions to this world, selfish interest, keeping up with the trends, gobbling down the latest and greatest that the world has to offer, and so on, then you will not really know the godly way to create in your child’s heart.  And you will also automatically train your child to be like you.

An important starting point is to humble yourself before God and ask Him to create a clean heart in you and to lead you to love and worship Him fully.  As you learn to do that you can then bring your child along in the same experience.

It is not wrong to have things that are in the world, but the extreme danger is when we love those things.  We know we love them when we refuse to give them up.  Rather than giving up or shutting down those things that could contaminate your child, you will be tempted to find reasons to keep them in your life.

I challenge you to love your child enough to seek God until you love Him enough to clean out your lifestyle of all things that tempt your child to love something other than God.

Parenting is Joy

It is a joyful thing to have godly children you have trained who fill your life with good things.

“Correct your son and he will give you rest; yes, he will give delight to your soul.” Proverbs 29:17

You do not need to be ashamed, pained, disturbed or anxious about your children.  The benefits of good parenting are not only enjoyed in your child, but they come back to you as lovely and delightful rewards as well.

The Lord bless you as you give Him your heart and lead your children to love Him too.

Legalistic Dad

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How do you help a legalistic dad?  You know the kind.  He demands his family do as he wants, the way he wants, on the basis that he has GOD on his side.

I have had to deal with several dads over the years that have dug themselves into a hole but refuse to change because they are the DAD and the Bible tells the kids to obey them.  The children become hurt and rebellious and that only affirms to the dad that he is on the high ground and they are wrong.

Call For Help

I was asked recently by a Christian counsellor for some suggestions to help a legalistic dad face the mess he has created and the pain he and his family are living in.  The dad appeals to the Biblical command that children obey their mother and father as his trump card to justify his stern stand.

As I considered the question, my thoughts about sad situations I have seen over the years led me to a new suggestion to help a legalistic dad.

The problem is getting the dad to listen and to be prepared to review his own actions, when he has a strong sense of being “right” and others being wrong.

Test the Fruit

Jesus told us we can know the truth about people by the “fruit” of their life.  A father’s life is not measured by the legal ground he claims as his authority, but by the fruit of his actions.  “By their fruits you will know them” is a basic litmus test we can apply quite widely.

“You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?” Matthew 7:16

“So by their fruits you will know them.” Matthew 7:20

I suggest we can apply this to test those legalistic dads who think they are right and others are wrong.

Fruit in the Family

A child starts out as a blank page.  And children are very resilient and forgiving.  They have the ability to cope with disappointments and the distractions of their parents.  And children learn much of their concept of life by watching their parents at close quarters.

So, at least in general terms, the way the kids turn out can be regarded as the “fruit” of the family.  If a family produces selfish, proud, loud, disobedient kids, you know that the home has some serious problems.  If a home produces quiet, obedient, loving, thoughtful children, the quality of the home is attested to by those kids.

So let’s use that fruit factor as a searchlight on the legalistic dad.

Stubborn Kid from a Stubborn Dad

When a legalistic dad digs in his toes and will not budge from his conflict with a child, and the child digs in his or her toes and will not budge either, we can see that the child is the “fruit” of the father.  The stubborn father has produced that stubborn child.

So, if the dad thinks he has the ‘moral high ground’, standing in the place of being right while the kids are wrong, he had better re-think things.  The “fruit” of what he has produced is a public testimony to his failure.  Instead of standing on moral high ground, he is standing in the place he accuses his kids of standing on.

Humility in the Home

If the dad is looking for a spirit of humility in his children, then we need to see that same fruit in him.  If he doggedly defends his opinions and the rightness of who and what he is he can only expect his children to be as stubborn in their stand for their own rightness too.

First let’s see the dad humble himself before God and admit that he needs God’s wisdom.  Let’s hear the dad admit that he has failed in his role as dad.  When we see that kind of humility we know there is hope for the family.
If dad defies the evidence then he has invalidated his stand before God.  God gives grace to the humble, not to the defiant and arrogantly proud.

Heart Issues

Another important truth for a legalistic dad is that the issue is not rebellious kids, but the condition of the dad’s heart.  Yes, rebellion in the family is wrong and the rebellious children need to have that resolved.  But the dad is the head of the home and it is vital to get him sorted out as a key to healing the whole family.  And getting dad sorted out means dealing with dad’s heart.

The Bible points out that the real “issues” of our life are not the things that come against us but the things that come “out of us”.

“Keep your heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” Proverbs 4:23

When we seek to heal a home, the real “issues” are not the rebellion of a son or daughter, but those things that come out of the heart of the dad and mum.  In the case of a legalistic dad in conflict with his children, it is what is coming out of the heart of that dad.

Out of the Heart

Listen to what Jesus said about the significance of what comes out of us.

“And he said, That which comes out of the man defiles the man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness: All these evil things come from within, and defile the man.” Mark 7:20-23

The issue that is defiling the father and likely bringing real problems into the home is whatever is coming OUT of the father’s heart.

And we know what is coming out of the heart by what people say.

“A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings out that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings out that which is evil: for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” Luke 6:45

Legalistic Speak

A legalistic dad will speak judgment of his children, rejection, condemnation, fault finding, pride in his own standards, negativity, contention, and so on.  And those words of his mouth reveal that he is not standing on moral high ground, but is polluted.

A heart that produces evil speaking reveals an “evil heart”.  The legalistic dad has deep troubles in his heart that lead him to produce toxic speech and bad fruit.

The more a legalistic dad is challenged about his stand the more virulent he may become in attacking others, asserting that he is right, feeling rejected and intimidated and so on.

All of this reveals that the dad is not walking and living in God’s grace.

Fruit and Heart

The dual matters of the “fruit” of the dad’s fathering in the home and the “issues” in the dad’s heart expressed in his legalistic stance and speech, show that the dad needs help.  The home is what it is because the dad has internal issues that need to be resolved.  He will never be able to lead his family into joy and wholeness while he is beset with personal problems that have produced bad fruit in the home and which reveal bad issues pouring out of his heart.

Legalism as a Cover

If a dad has produced bad fruit in his home and his heart pumps out evil things he has issues.  And legalism may just be a way to cope with life and excuse his situation.  Legalism may be a cover.  By being legalistic he can point at others, rather than get free on the inside himself.

Just about anything could cause a person to become legalistic, but since legalism prompts a person to reject others it is reasonable to assume that rejection has a part to play in the legalistic dad’s heart.

Certainly there is a lack of the grace of God.  And the writer of Hebrews warns that failing to receive and give out God’s grace leads us to having a root of bitterness which causes us to defile others.

“Be diligently attentive lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled” Hebrews 12:15

Legalism and the attendant accusation and rejection certainly defile and offend people so an important need in the life of a legalistic dad is to experience the grace of God and to give God’s grace to others.

Give Grace to Dad

If you suffer under a legalistic dad you will find it easy to become hurt, offended, resentful, judgmental, angry and so on.  And by so doing you will be tempted to let a root of bitterness spring up in your life.  If that happens then the problem has been passed down to a new generation, instead of being dealt with and rooted out of the family.

So if you have a legalistic dad press in to God for sufficient grace so you can give grace to your dad, even though he does not deserve it.  If you can give grace to those who have no grace, you will not come under the power of their failures and weakness but have triumphed into liberty for yourself and your children.

If your dad is legalistic and refuses to see that there is anything wrong in his life, you are in a very vulnerable place.  Determine with God’s help to give abundant grace to that graceless dad.

Justice For Dummies 2 Perfection

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We saw in the first lesson on Justice for Dummies that justice has to do with finding what is right (or “just), not what is fair or what seems best at the time.

To help you better understand justice and what you should expect from an effective justice system, this lesson explores a foundational anchor for justice, being “perfection”.

True justice is measured against an unchanging benchmark, which is perfection.

In the Beginning God…

The first statement of law in our world is found in the first sentence of a holy book written by an eighty year old prophet who had met face to face with God.  His five books, known as the Pentateuch (Five Volumes) and as the Torah (Teaching/Law), present the basis of all English Law.  After meeting with God on Mount Sinai in Arabia almost three thousand five hundred years ago, Moses wrote the law of God in five books which form the basis of Jewish scriptures and which are the first five books of the Old Testament section of the Holy Bible which Christians rely on.

So Moses’ first sentence is the foundational truth upon which Jewish religion and Christianity stand.  The Moslem world reveres Moses (whom they call Musa) and venerates the Bible while also challenging its accuracy when the Koran differs from it.  But the Moslem world has no challenge to Moses’ first sentence.

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth” Genesis 1:1

Perfection

The Holy Bible repeatedly describes the character of God as perfect.  Terms used to convey this truth include holy, holiness, righteousness, perfect, upright and just.

“For I am the LORD that brings you up out of the land of Egypt, to be your God: you will therefore be holy, for I am holy.” Leviticus 11:45

“Speak unto all the congregation of the children of Israel, and say to them, You will be holy: for I the LORD your God am holy.” Leviticus 19:2

“Be you therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” Matthew 5:48

“Judge me, O LORD my God, according to your righteousness; and let them not rejoice over me.” Psalm 35:24

“Your righteousness also, O God, is very high, who has done great things: O God, who is like you!” Psalm 71:19

“God reigns over the heathen: God sits on the throne of his holiness.” Psalm 47:8

“Good and upright is the LORD: therefore will he teach sinners in the way.” Psalm 25:8

Defining Perfection

Perfection is a moral description of personal character.  I like the way Pastor Jack Hayford, of Church on the Way, California explained it to me back in the early 1970’s.  He said that God is “perfect” and “holy” because there is no imbalance in Him.

Pastor Jack pointed out that if an arrow or frisbee, rocket or other projectile was out of balance in the slightest degree then it would veer off course.  Only a “perfect” arrow could fly for thousands or millions of miles and not creep a degree to the left of right.

The more imperfect an arrow, frisbee or projectile is the more quickly it flies off course and crashes into something.  A wobbly arrow will not hit the mark.

So, imagine God’s perfection that He can start on a course of action and stick with it, despite all that might distract Him, for millennia after millennia.

Imperfect Man

Contrast the perfect holiness of God with how people behave.  How often do people get distracted, drop their New Year resolutions, break their vows, or get drawn away by their laziness, lust, ego, inquisitiveness or the like?

Man is challenged to rise in character above the foibles of “self” focus, to live by higher and holier standards.  God is the ultimate example of the perfection we are called to, because God is absolutely perfect and will never veer off course.

Man can be intimidated, dissuaded, distracted, overwhelmed, burned out or defeated, but God is perfect.  You can’t intimidate God, discourage Him, distract Him, overwhelm Him or defeat Him.  And God calls all men and women to be holy, just as He is holy.

No Turning

To amplify Pastor Jack Hayford’s description of holiness as the kind of perfection that does not take something off course, consider these other Bible verses that describe God.

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” James 1:17

“For I am the LORD, I change not; therefore you sons of Jacob are not consumed.” Malachi 3:6

And the ultimate indictment or charge against man is that everyone has gone off course, missed the mark and not reached the standard of God’s glory.

“For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God” Romans 3:23

Perfect Justice

To bring this discussion back to “justice” let me point out that justice is measured by God.  Justice can be perfect when it comes from a perfect being.

Justice is not fairness, or the best compromise under the circumstances.  True justice is anchored in the character of God, Himself.  True Justice is based on perfection of motive, perfection of character and perfection of judgement that does not change over time or from one case to another.

Human justice systems are a poor reflection of God’s justice and judgement.  But their inability to be as high and holy as God is, does not excuse them from being unjust, abusive, deceptive, prejudicial, or any such thing.

Injustice

When a judge is biased, or has been paid a bribe, or uses different standards under different circumstances there is injustice.

God rebuked the Israelites for having a bag full of different weights.  If they were selling to one customer they might use a lighter weight on the scale than when selling to another customer.  The customer would assume they had the correct weight, but the actual metal weight put on the scale was unjust.

“You are not to have in your house diverse measures, a great and a small.” Deuteronomy 25:14

“Diverse weights, and diverse measures, both of them are equally an abomination to the LORD.” Proverbs 20:10

A Heart Matter

True holiness is seen in our actions but it starts in our heart.  So to be truly just and holy we must have pure motives.  When we have ulterior motives we are not perfect and holy and our judgement will be distorted by that.

Just this morning a friend brought to me the transcript of a court case in which a judge clearly stated that he was glad he had past a sentence against people who drive in a particular fashion because he personally can’t stand such drivers.

The judge betrayed clear personal bias, and that affected his judgement.  The matter was not as the judge assumed it, but the judge was blinded by his own “unjust” prejudices.

God is pure in His heart.  God has no impure motives.  Men who engage in delivering justice must maintain the highest standards of holiness internally.  If they don’t, they will err in judgment because they will give in to the imperfect attitudes in their heart.

These impure attitudes are based on “self”.  Our preferences, prejudices, likes and dislikes are “ours”!  They spring from “self”.  When we are completely impartial we are not given to personal bias.

This is what is supposed to be symbolised by the image of justice as a blindfolded person holding scales.  They are meant to be impartial toward the people being judged, rather than allowing personal bias to interfere with the judgment.

Holy Judgement

Let me summarise by reminding you that the ultimate foundation of justice is perfection.  It is not man’s perfection, but God’s perfection that undergirds all justice.

God is holy and just.  God demands that mankind be holy and just.

Man’s justice must be based on God’s holiness, or it will not be justice at all.

Issues of Life

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I spoke with a mum recently about how tough her hubby is on the kids. The dad sets a high standard that tests the hearts of the children.

I pointed out to her that this is a very good thing for her son and daughter, even if it is not pleasant. I drew her attention to some wisdom from Solomon.

Heart Issues

Proverbs 4:23 warns us to carefully guard our heart because the “issues of life” come from it.

“Keep your heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” Proverbs 4:23

There is a powerful truth packed into that short verse. I didn’t discover it, but someone pointed it out to me years ago. Simply put, what comes out of our heart determines what is a real “issue” in our life. It doesn’t just reveal the issue, it IS the issue. Our issues are not our external circumstances or what we go through, but what comes out of us in response.

Issues are internal not external.

She Has Issues

We recognise that people have “issues” in their life and we even say so. We say: “He has real issues with his job!” “Does anyone have issues with that?”

And that’s Biblical. The issue is not the challenge, but the reaction from within. All of our issues are actually “heart issues”. To repeat myself, “issues are internal not external”.

So, for example, consider a family where the father is a drunk. Each of the three kids has a drunken dad, but maybe only one of them will have an “issue” with that.

Two of the kids may live normal lives, unaffected by the dad’s drinking. But the other child ends up with a chip on his shoulder, angry at the world because he had a lousy dad.

Do you see then, that it is the REACTION that creates the issue? The drunken dad is not an issue or all three kids would have had the same issue. The drunken dad is a problem and a challenge, but doesn’t have to become an “issue”.

Uncovering Issues

If we blame others for our wrong attitudes we do not uncover the real “issues” of our life. Most people shift the blame onto the circumstances, like blaming a drunken father for their problems.

But pressure and challenges bring our own junk to the surface, so we can get rid of our own issues. Challenges uncover our issues so we can resolve them.

If we have fear we can deal with fear. If we have anger, resentment, unforgiveness, guilt or other issues inside us, then pressure brings them to the surface so we can recognise them and then find God’s grace to resolve them.

Mum and Kids

Using the wisdom of Solomon, I was able to encourage the mum that her son and daughter will be much stronger and more reliable people in years to come, because their dad puts challenges on them that will make them strong.

If she is a wise mum she will guide each child to deal with the “issues” that come up in their heart, so they work through things in readiness for the bigger challenges of the years ahead.

Oh, and note that many adults today have missed out on that kind of constructive parenting. The idea of leaving a child to himself, to make his own choices and work through things his own way was the popular idea of parenting for the parents of Baby Boomers. So, many of today’s adults and youth are weakened by not having worked through their “issues” with the help of wise parenting skills.

Fraud and Treason

As I take my stand against Fraud and Treason it is interesting to see the “issues” people have with that. While most people are overwhelmingly supportive there are people who have responded irrationally and with venom. They are aroused and offended.

Whatever it is that agitates them it is not what I am doing. Others applaud and support my stand against evil. So those who mutter, criticise or similarly react are revealing that they have “issues”. As they recognise and deal with those issues they will be better people for it.

And, of course, as I do something I’ve never done before and face challenges I have never faced before that surfaces my issues as well. I have been able to pray through and resolve things that have come to the surface under the pressure of taking on evil.

Someone said “Life wasn’t meant to be easy”, but it is meant to get better and better, if only we will find God’s grace for the “issues” in our life – which are in reality the issues of our own hearts.

Heart of a Child Video

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The most important part of a child that parents need to give focus to is the child’s heart.

This is not just a sentimental idea, but a Biblical truth. We can have a child’s obedience, but not their heart. We can have a child’s compliance, but not their heart.

Parenting is about achieving a relationship at “heart” level that is precious and powerful.

So that’s the topic of Ps Chris Field’s video “Parenting – The Heart of a Child”.

Other Videos by Pastor Chris Field include ….

SEXUALITY VIDEO – “Sacred Nakedness” http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/sacred-nakedness-video

MARRIAGE VIDEO – “What is Marriage?” http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/what-is-marriage-video

MARRIAGE VIDEO – “50-50 Marriage?” http://chrisfieldblog.com/marriage/50-50-marriage-video

MANHOOD VIDEO – “The Manhood Call” http://chrisfieldblog.com/manhood/manhood-call-video

MANHOOD VIDEO – “Sacrificial Purpose of Men” http://chrisfieldblog.com/manhood/sacrificial-man-video

TRUTH VIDEO – “Where Does Your Truth Come From?” http://chrisfieldblog.com/ministry/truth-video

PARENTING VIDEO – “Godly Seed” http://chrisfieldblog.com/parent/godly-seed-video

PARENTING VIDEO – “Child Discipline” http://chrisfieldblog.com/parent/child-discipline-video

Get Over It At Home

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Don’t get all worked up about something if you are not going to do something to resolve it. The advice you need if you have become one of those who rave on about things is, “Get over it!”

I opened this subject in a previous article titled “Get Over It”, and now I am elaborating on the theme, to make it more practically applicable to everyday life. To best understand what I am explaining here, be sure to read that first article.

Good truth is truth that works in everyday life. You know you have conquered something when you can live it out in the home. Your marriage and family are the testing ground for all your theories. If you think you’ve changed, but still act the same at home, then you are deluding yourself. So I’m now focusing the need to “Get over it!” on the home.

Worked Up

People get worked up about things that have stung them or found a weakness in them at heart level. We know the matter is anchored in the heart because Jesus Christ explained that what comes out of us originates in our heart.

“O generation of vipers, how can you, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” Matthew 12:34

What spills out of your lips and directs your attitudes, body language, tone of voice and so on, has its origins in your heart. If you are all worked up about something, then it is your heart that is really worked up.

Your heart harbours such things as jealousy, lust, pride, bitterness, shame, pain and so on. It is these conditions in our heart that prompt us to become preoccupied about things that happen around us. If a person is stuck on something, you can be sure that they have an issue in their heart that has caused that connection and reaction.

Heart Surgery

What you need to do is recognise that raving, complaining, endlessly rehearsing something, entertaining your fears, talking about something incessantly, or being totally distracted by something that is bothering you declares that your heart needs to be sorted out.

You need spiritual ‘heart surgery’. You need to resolve those things that stir you up, agitate you, distract you, make you afraid, and so on.

However, most people who get sucked into the vortex of some obsessive thought pattern, making them rave on, or be totally absorbed by something or other, do not immediately realise that they have a ‘heart’ issue to resolve. They tend to think that some person, action, situation, prospect, hope, or whatever, is the real issue.

Heart Issues

King Solomon, in all his wisdom, identified the heart as the real culprit in our lives, 3,000 years ago. He advised that the real issues of our life spring from our heart, not circumstances, people, experiences, fears, etc.

“Keep your heart with all diligence; for out of it (the heart) are the issues of life.” Proverbs 4:23

That thing that is distracting you, pulling your attention back to it all the time, is anchored in something inside your heart. Even though some person has done wrong, or some situation has developed, or something was said, or you went through something or other, the real issue is still inside your heart.

Many people go through terrible things and come out without being distracted, absorbed, devastated, and so on. Whatever the source of their resilience, what has happened for them is that their experience did not get hooked in their heart.

If you have gone through things and been buried in reactions, attitudes, fears, distractions, or the like, then your heart has not handled the things as successfully as you need it to. All the issues of your life are ‘heart issues’.

Do Something

I pointed out in my first Get Over It article that you can test yourself with the question “Will you fix it?” If you don’t intend to do something about the problem or issue that has your focus then you will just have to get over it.

If you can’t fix it, such as because it is outside your scope of ability or authority, then you have no alternative but to ‘get over it’. You need to come to terms with your challenges and get on with life. You will do that most successfully with God’s grace helping you. Ask God for His grace to carry you through the challenging situations.

If you can fix it and won’t, then you have lost the right to complain or be preoccupied with it. If your pride or fear gets in the way, then you have stepped back from action. So, “Get over it!” You are now where you are because you have chosen to be there. Now, get on with life.

If you are not going to do something, then that decision exposes something more about your heart. You have a personal obstacle, such as pride, insecurity, unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, fear of people’s opinions, or any of a range of other possibilities. You need to get spiritual heart surgery on that thing you have just discovered in your chest.

In Marriage

To put a practical edge on this, let’s consider a husband who is lazier than his wife wants him to be. She can be exasperated with him, complaining to him and about him, belittling him to others, trying to manipulate him and feeling sorry for herself because he keeps disappointing her.

The best thing the wife can do is “Get over it!”

So, let’s ask the question, “Will you fix it?” She might answer, “I’m trying to!” Her nagging and complaining may be her attempt to change him. But a few months of poor response should alert her to the fact that her complaints don’t work. If she is still nagging him after a few months, then she is losing the plot and failing to see the reality of her marriage situation.

In the case of a lazy husband the wife does not have authority to change her husband. She also probably does not have the ability to do so. So, she can exhaust herself and frustrate her husband by her continued attempts, such as nagging, but that will only damage the relationship. Alternatively she can “Get over it!”

She can hand over her disappointment to God. She can release her husband from expectations that he will be a diligent and energetic man in her life. She can recognise that she is his helper, not him her servant. She can scale down her expectations to accommodate what he is able and willing to do. She can focus on the positives in the relationship, rather than her frustrations.

But, to do those things she will need spiritual heart surgery. She will have to let God change her attitudes and resolve her inner thoughts and feelings. That will take God’s grace.

The Kids

In a case where a father is disappointed in his child because the child doesn’t meet his expectations he too has to “Get over it!” Let’s assume that a child doesn’t have the sporting, academic and personality qualities which the dad always imagined his children would have.

If we ask the dad, “Will you fix it?” he would probably say that he has tried everything he knows to do, but the kid just doesn’t come up to his expectations. If it is a matter of training and discipline then the dad has to accept responsibility for the outcome, and repent before God, asking for God’s grace and guidance to correct the situation.

If it’s a matter of natural ability, personality and interests, then the dad cannot make the difference he might want to see and so he has to come to terms with who and what the child is. The dad has to give his hopes and expectations to God. In his heart he has to forgive the child for being different to what he wanted. He has to learn how to love the child for who the child is, helping his child become the best fulfilment of who God created them to be, even if that is not what the dad wanted in a child.

If he won’t do that he will end up projecting rejection into his child. The child needs to be loved and cherished by a father who accepts them for who they are and helps them become the person God wants them to be.

Stop Complaining

You have the power to experience change. If a situation needs to be fixed and you can fix it, then stop complaining and get about the business of making a difference.

If a situation cannot be changed, or at least you don’t have the power or authority to do so, then “Get over it!” Get on with life, by experiencing change in your heart. You have the power to experience change on the inside, by bringing your heart issues to God. Let Him deal with your frustrations, fears, pride, shame, anger, unforgiveness, or whatever. Then, even if a less than happy situation exists which you cannot change, you will still be able to get on with life and be free from distraction and debilitation.

So, let me share with you some profound advice for your situation…. “Get over it!”

Get Over It!

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A young adult friend introduced me to the phrase “Get Over It” many years ago. She enjoyed interrupting people who were complaining about something or other with her laughing advice, “Get over it!” Many people picked up the phrase and for a while it was the most likely contribution you were to hear from some folk.

Of course, there are some things which cannot be shrugged off with a laugh and so getting over serious offence, abuse, or the like is not something that should be made fun of. But there are many things which people get worked up about without any real commitment to the issue. It may incense them or outrage their sensibilities, but still be only something they complain about, not being something they will actually do something about.

In the spirit of my first Idiot Test, which exposes the folly of taking up issues with no real intent to do anything about it, I now present some thoughts on the wise advice, “Get over it!”


Stark Raving Mad

Insanity can involve the state of being “raving mad”, where a person raves on about things that do not make sense or which are simply products of their own delusions. Paranoid people talk about dangers that do not exist. People can perceive attitudes which they think they see in others, when those others have no thought about them at all.

On a milder level, however, people can also rave, without being mad. People tend to rave about things that impact their thoughts. They may keep talking about their fears, sense of offence, misgivings, or the like. Because those thoughts loom large in their mind, or heart, they end up speaking about those things all the time. To other people with other things to do and think about it seems that the person is raving on and on about things that they should have dropped out of mind.

This is where “Get over it!” comes into its own.

Preoccupation is Biblical

The Bible speaks about the issue of ‘raving’, by pointing to the source of that obsessive talk. The words which come out of our mouth originate in our heart. If we have issues in our heart, at that deeper level of our life, then we will tend to talk about those things, like water bubbling up from a spring.

“A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” Luke 6:45

Heart Monitor

Since the heart is the source of what comes out of us, spilling those things which fill up our inner thoughts, then we are wise to monitor our heart. And the very words we speak are as good a piece of equipment as anything else.

If you tend to rave about things stop to check why you can’t let that thing go. If you have unforgiveness toward someone, you will tend to talk about them and what they did. If you have fear for your future you will tend to talk about what could go wrong. If you have fantasies about your future you will tend to rave on about all the things you imagine could happen.

Once you have resolved your heart issues, of offence, unforgiveness, fear, delusion, insecurity, shame, or whatever, then you will also stop raving on so much.

Will You Fix It?

Here’s a way to prompt yourself about dealing with issues. It might be unwise to apply this to your family and friends, since they might take offence at your approach. So, start with yourself. Maybe in time you will have earned the right to try this on others.

Take the issue you are raving about and ask, “Well, are you going to do something about it?”

If you are not actually working on a solution, then all you are doing is venting empty words, to express your feelings. That process is vain. It does not create a solution. It does not bring greater clarity. It does not let you get past the issues.

So, “Will you fix it?” If not, then……. “Get over it!”

If you are not going to do anything to resolve the situation then the wisest thing you can do is to put the thing behind you and out of mind. Get over it! If you are a victim and you intend to stay a victim, then stop complaining about being a victim. If you have suffered an irreparable damage, then, since it is irreparable, get on with life. Stop raving about things you aren’t going to change!

Can’t Let Go

Once you’ve faced the “Will You Fix It?” question, and the instruction to “Get over it!” you then come to some deeper insight into yourself.

It may be that you aren’t going to fix it and you can’t get over it. So now you can see your real problem. You are caught in a trap, with no way out. You are not going to solve the problem, and you are not going to get over it. So you are probably camping on the ground of ‘self-pity’. You have probably chosen to be miserable and to make other people’s lives miserable too.

Of maybe your pride is in the way. You are going to trash your life, because of your pride. Or maybe it’s a mater of unforgiveness. Which ever way you look at it, the real problem is not the thing you are complaining and raving about, but YOU!

You are the problem. You won’t get on with life. You won’t find God’s grace. You won’t humble yourself, forgive your offenders, love your enemies, or find God’s help to solve the problem. You miserable creature! You are an enemy of God and all the people who come in contact with you. You are totally self-absorbed and don’t care how you burden others in your self-indulgent existence.

Get Grace

God’s word tells us that God’s grace is more than enough. It is sufficient for any challenge. You don’t have to be a victim, or be obsessive, or be self-absorbed. There is enough grace to totally transform your life and circumstances.

So, get your hands on God’s grace. And you get that by being humble. God gives grace to the humble.

“And he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest on me.” 2Corinthians 12:9

“But God gives more grace. Wherefore he says, God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6
Word of Advice

You may need me to spell out how this “Get Over It” thing works in day to day life, especially in the home. So I’ll write another article on this for you, called, Get Over It At Home, to help put practical legs onto this important concept. Look out for that article. Meanwhile, here’s my word of advice.

Are you facing a challenge at the moment? I have some advice for you. If you seriously respond to that advice and think through your reactions to it you should get a good look at your heart and know what to ask God to do in you.

Now, here’s my awesome word of wisdom. Here is the best advice I may be able to give you in your current situation. Here is the word you have been waiting for….

“Get over it!”

The Domestic Bride

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I have met some lovely young brides over the years and been delighted by the heart-felt desire of each one to please her husband. The home and its domestic challenges is an area where many brides long to excel and through which they plan to bless their husband.

Yet the domestic role of a bride is also an area where some misunderstanding and unclear concepts can lead the couple into strife. So this post is for the domestic bride.

Beautiful Bride with a Beautiful Heart

I know that not all young brides are as wonderful as others, but I want to pause for a moment and commend the many amazing and sweet young ladies I have met over the years who earnestly long to delight their husband. Some of those lucky men have been ignorant of how blessed they are. Some of them have gone on to bruise the tender heart of their darling bride.

So, to you amazing and gorgeous young ladies, I commend you for your eager and delightful intention to bless your young man. Mankind is blessed to have the undeserved devotion that you give. I pray that God bless each of you with the rewards of His grace, even if your wonderfully blessed husband does not realise how privileged he is.

Tender Hearts Get Bruised

I am sorry that it is so, but tender hearts do get bruised. Insensitive young men and starry-eyed young brides end up with the pain of disappointment, hurts and misunderstanding. Sometimes the bruises are so sore that the marriage never regains the innocence and tenderness of its initial hopes and dreams.

With the progress of time many marriages completely lose their wonder and delight. Both bride and groom draw back from their innocent hopes and their willing abandonment. Many a cranky older couple started out as two tender hearts longing for things they could never find. I will look at this subject from another angle at some time, with reference to the ‘spirit of the marriage’.

Understand the Problems

Entering into marriage and this wonderful new level of relationship with some understanding may help you. So allow me to cover some points that should help you understand the problem.

In simple terms the main problem stems from the bride’s longing to serve and bless, and the husband’s ignorance of what he wants and how things should be administered. It is hard to effectively serve and bless someone when that service is ill defined.

The Dangerous Assumptions

In marriage, the easy assumptions to make include such things as the idea that you are both wonderfully compatible. Another assumption is that it will just work out fine, all by itself. Then there is the assumption by the man that the woman will somehow instinctively do what pleases him, and the assumption by the woman that the man will instinctively be delighted by what she gives him.

All of these assumptions are dangerous, because all of them are most likely not true. They set the couple up for surprises, disappointment, argument, misunderstanding and hurts.

It is unlikely that the husband has ever clearly catalogued what he likes and what he wants. He has most likely been a passenger in life’s journey, floating along with the things his mother did for him. What ever she did will be what he sees as ‘normal’, even if she is the only person on the planet who does things that way.

If a young husband was asked to explain the domestic management of a home very few would have much depth of understanding. Most husbands are happy to leave things up to their bride. However this creates several problems.

Integration Problems

Since two separate domestic worlds are brought together by the newly-weds they will have to work through the integration issues. If they have never done such a thing before then they will be surprised how many issues arise.

There are often no right and wrong ways to do things. But we each have a sense for what is familiar to us. That familiar process is the one that will “seem right” to us, even if it is the most inefficient process ever imagined. If the bride and groom have different ideas of what is ‘right’ they will end up stumbling over each other’s perceptions. It will be easy to use words like ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, bringing a sense of condemnation into the relationship. If emotions are aroused, then insults and hurtful words can spill into the situation.

Tender and fragile emotions can be damaged in such an unexpected exchange.

Many a young man has rebuked his wife for not being able to cook meals the way his mother cooked it. His tastes and expectations have been moulded by his family experience and he may not realise that there is such great diversity in food and its preparation.

The Wrong Response

When a person does not have a clear idea of what they want or how to communicate it they can leave the other person directionless. Most young husbands will tend to leave their bride to do her best, not quite sure what she is going to do and how well she is going to do it.

These husbands can’t give positive guidance in such situations so the only guidance they can give is to point out what they think to be wrong. This I call the ‘wrong’ response. And the ‘wrong’ response is the wrong response!

When a husband can only tell his bride what is wrong he is set up to bludgeon her tender hopes into a calloused heart that gives up the hope of pleasing him. Or that gives him what he wants, but without any delight on her part any more.

Negative responses produce negative responses. A husband who guides his bride by disapproval is wounding her heart.

Is There a Simple Solution?

In matters of relationship there is usually no simple solution. I will offer a few simple suggestions, but I doubt that many people will heed them. I fear that many more lovely and tender young brides are going to head down the road to hardened and hurt older wives, despite what I present here. But for the sake of the one or two who may be saved from pain by my thoughts I will venture my simple solution.

Brides should be taught to expect that everything they bring into the marriage will have to be modified. They should be encouraged to go on a two-year journey of discovery of what works best in their home. They should be told that they will face some difficult challenges in this process but that they can succeed and create the most amazing new domestic formula for them both to enjoy.

The reason I put this on the bride is because she is the one who will otherwise be hurt. Her insensitive hero is less likely to be damaged in the sort-out of domestic process than the wife is. So my simple solution aims at shielding the most vulnerable party – that beautiful young woman.

If brides enter marriage with an expectation of their need to change, and a long-term time-line for getting things sorted out, there will be less pain in finding that the couple are less compatible than she hoped. There is time for the two of them to talk and explore their options. There is no silly idealism about it working perfectly from day one.

All of that helps the tender one to be more resilient in the inevitable sorting out process.

Other Helpful Steps

Obviously it is valuable for the young husband to understand the situation and how easily he can and will offend his darling bride. Men should be challenged to expect a long season of exploration and discovery. They should expect food to taste different and things to be done differently, because they are a new family, with new horizons and new possibilities.

I recommend that the couple set up an expectation – possibly suggested to them in the pre-marriage preparation process – that the husband review the bride’s processes and program at regular intervals.

While that might sound very sexist and man-serving at first glance, allow me to show why that is valuable.

The bride is built to please her man. How can she do that if she does not become attentive to what he needs or wants? If she makes her own assumptions and assessments independently of him she may spend her whole life doing things he does not want her to do in ways he does not want her to employ. This undermines her whole design and motivation.

I have also observed that two heads are better than one. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not the first to observe that fact. When any person acts for their whole life without the benefit of additional input and review they are in danger of doing the wrong things the wrong way for a long time. The most valuable and understanding contributor to the wife’s situation should be her husband. So having him give input in a regulated and consistent fashion is logical and appropriate.

And I also recommend that young men be given at least some understanding of how to protect the tender heart of their beloved. The pushing of the feminist notion that men and women are equal and almost identical has robbed men of appreciation for the woman’s needs and denied women the loving care that they are due.

The Heart of Your Child

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It is vital that you train the heart of your children. However it is popular to ignore this essential process and give in to shallow alternatives. Since many young parents have not thought these issues through I am penning these notes as a guide to parents.

The Heart of the Matter

The most important part of your child’s development is the training of their heart. While we may not be aware of what is going on inside other people, including our children, the Bible tells us that God looks on the heart.

“But the LORD said to Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.” 1Samuel 16:7

God’s prophet, Samuel, did what people naturally do. He looked on external things. God accurately accused men of taking notice of external things – “man looks on the outward appearance”. That is why people have to take ‘first impressions’ seriously and why image is such a big deal for worldly people. It should not be so for those who love and follow God, but sadly appearance and image is a major focus of some churches today.

Since God looks on your child’s heart it is essential that you make it a key focus on your attention.

The Heart of Your Child is Exposed by What Comes Out

Jesus had much to say about what comes out of the heart. He said that we are defiled by what comes out of us. He then listed a bunch of things that find their source in the human heart.

“The words which come out of the mouth come from the heart; and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies” Jesus Christ, Matthew 15:18-19

Jesus is pointing here to both the words people speak and the motivations that lead them to do evil things. So wise parents will be attentive to the spontaneous expressions from their children and also from the behaviour patterns the children display.

A winning smile on the face of a child can be deceptive. Sweet words of promise and nicety may be a cover for wrong intentions. In the same way that adults can be expert at this level of deception, some children know how to play up to their parents’ expectations.

Key Lessons For the Heart

The heart is troubled by the presence of foolishness, which Solomon warns us is bound in the heart of every child (Proverbs 22:15). So it is important for each parent to respect the particular process that God prescribes for removing that foolishness. The prescribed process is to use the rod of correction on the child.

“Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction will drive it far from him.” Solomon, Proverbs 22:15

Obedience is a key test of the child’s heart. If a child refuses to obey then they have foolishness. So getting the child to promptly obey the parent is a key heart training process. This involves them submitting to the parent’s authority. In that process they learn to fear the Lord, giving respect to God’s requirement that they obey their parents.

Games and Tricks Don’t Train the Heart

Some parents think that they are doing quite well if they get the desired action from the child. But it is not the action that is the most important. What is important, as we saw earlier, is the heart of the child. God does not look on the outward evidence but on the heart.

If you instruct a child to eat their food and the child is reluctant to obey, then a matter of the heart has been exposed. The child’s rebellious or independent attitude is a more serious matter than the nutritional value of the meal.

Many parents, however, become distracted with the external element, getting the food into the child. They can completely miss the much more serious issue of the child’s heart. Clever parents can resort to games to get the child to eat. “Let’s pretend that the spoon is a train and your mouth is a tunnel. Let the train into the tunnel.”

Such games may be fun, but they set the parent and child up for future pain. The child’s heart is left in a rebellious state, even though all the food is eaten.

The same is true when a parent tricks a child into doing the right thing, or fitting in with the parent’s plans. Games and fun, cute as they may be in the hands of clever parents, have no place in testing or training the child’s heart.

The most mature and complete heart training is evident when there is every reason to disobey or to get away with doing wrong, and yet the person insists and persists in doing what is right.

Tough Choices Make for Strong Character

When parents rescue their children from tough choices they undermine the child’s character. Tough choices make for strong character.

The child who must stand by his post, while others get to do fun things, or taunt him, or who is otherwise suffering in order to be there, will develop much stronger character than the child who is given every opportunity to cheat on their character.

False compassion can prompt some parents to remove the tough choices and hard situations from their child’s life. Such emotion is called ‘false’ compassion because it is not true love at all. It masquerades as compassion but it harms the child, so it cannot be real love.

You are Allowed to Play Games

Please note that I am not saying every moment of your child’s life should be a tough moment with tough choices. There is plenty of room for fun, games and play. You are welcome to play ‘aeroplanes’ and fly the food into your child’s mouth or to make cleaning up the room into a fun race against the clock.

The tough choices are made at strategic moments and are then built upon. But once the tough moment is past it is time for celebration and enjoyment of life. The problem will come when your child is never challenged to learn and their heart is not trained.

Insist that they Learn

Parents, be diligent to ensure that each of your children has learned to obey you, to submit to authority and to fear God. You will need to remain attentive to their heart, through what they say and how that is backed up by the attitudes and actions.

Insist that they learn the lessons. Don’t give in, just because they are crying, or complaining. There is much more at stake than their temporary responses.

Little One 3

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Here is another “Daddy Dialogue” to a little child. Parents may wish to offer something like this to their children.

“Sweetheart, you are such a precious gift into this home. God loves us SO much that He has given YOU to us, to make us so very happy. You are special and precious and mummy and I thank God for giving you to us as our little child.

You know that we love you and that God wants us to train you so you will be everything He wants you to be. But there’s something else I want to tell you about too.

There is a naughty angel who ran away from God. That bad angel wants to help people do the wrong thing, so that God’s heart will be sad. And one of the things that bad angel does is tell God that good people are bad.

That bad angel has already been talking to God about you. He says that you really aren’t a nice person at all. He says that you will do bad things and disobey your mummy and daddy. He says you will be greedy and selfish and that you will try to get your way when you can.

God laughs at the devil’s lies. God knows that He created you to be a wonderful person who loves God and does what is right.

So that’s why I am telling you about this now. Every time you do something wrong the devil will jump up and down and clap his hands. He will laugh at God and say, “See, I told you so!” And God will be sad.

But God knows that even when you do wrong things you can always ask Him to forgive you. He is always happy to forgive you if you are sad about what you have done. When God forgives you it is as if you never ever did the wrong thing at all.

God knows that you will do some wrong things so He is not worried about what the devil says. God wants you to learn how to be strong and He also wants mummy and me to train you.

Mummy and daddy have to train you by punishing you when you do something wrong. We do that because we love you and want to take any foolish ideas out of your heart, so it will be easier and easier for you to make God happy.

Let’s pray together now and tell God that we are not going to do the bad things the devil wants us to do.

“Lord God, thank You that You love us. We know that the devil doesn’t like us and he wants us to do bad things. But we make up our mind that we will only do right things. If we fail and do something that we should not do we will ask You to forgive us. We will ask for Your strength so we can resist all those evil things.

Thank You for loving us and helping us be good people who are happy and free. We ask this prayer in Jesus’ name. Amen.”