Most of know we are supposed to forgive those who offend us. However some find it difficult to work out the practicalities of that.
“You are to forgive not only seven times, but seventy times seven.” Matthew 18:22
If someone has offended us, and continues to offend, what are we to do?
If we think we have forgiven but we keep feeling bad, what does that mean?
If the other person has never realised their wrong can we hold back on forgiving until they do?
To help you work through those issues let me point out some truths about forgiveness that you may have missed.
Forgiveness is not about the other person, it’s about what is in our heart.
Forgiveness targets us, not the one who offended us. So we don’t have to wait for them to see their fault, and we certainly don’t have to point it out to them. If we do not forgive then we have a problem, and forgiveness is the cure to our problem, not theirs.
When we forgive we let go of our claim against another person. In some situations the person may not even have done anything wrong but we may have taken offence against them wrongly. We may have misunderstood. They may have legitimate right to do what they did.
So forgiveness is not about analysis or getting others to agree with us that the other person is out of order.
Have you noticed that people who won’t forgive love to get others to agree with them that they have been wronged and to join them in scorning the person deemed to have done wrong? This is one of the fountains of gossip, where people share about what has offended them as a form of punishment on the one they oppose.
If you keep raking over what was done and like to have others agree that you have been wronged you are in very dangerous territory, for you are celebrating your inability to forgive and missing the point that your problem is not with the person you feel offended by, but your problem is now deeply rooted in your own heart.
Beware that a ‘root of bitterness’ doesn’t spring up inside you and turn you into one who defiles many others.
“Be careful that no-one fails to apply God’s grace; or a root of bitterness will spring up and trouble you, and cause many to be defiled” Hebrews 12:15
God is perfect, so cannot have done anything wrong against us. But we can feel upset with God, blaming Him for our problems. Forgiveness is about us letting go of our upset and anger toward God, not about God having to say ‘Sorry’ to us.
We hold un-forgiveness when we think someone owes us a debt. We feel they have cost us something. When we forgive we stop demanding payment of the debt. We ‘forgive’ the debt and let go of our claim on the other person.
Yet, what are we do do when feelings of hurt, fear and agitation remain with us after we forgive. What’s going on?
Forgiveness relates to three interwoven elements: The Past, The Pain, and The Future.
The Past relates to the wrong done to us.
The Pain relates to how we feel about what was done to us.
The Future relates to what we need to do about it.
Each is to be dealt with separately and does not hold power over the other.
Someone might say, “I keep feeling pain, hurt and fear, so I must not have forgiven.” But that is not true. Your Feelings are separate from Forgiveness.
Hurt feelings lure you into anger and resentment but you don’t have to go there. You can hold to forgiveness.
Someone might say, “I am still being mistreated so I can’t really forgive.”
No. You are expected to keep on forgiving, 70 times 7. Forgiveness is not a magic pill, but a way to keep your heart free even in abusive situations.
Someone might say, “If I have to keep on forgiving then I am giving in to being constantly abused and mistreated. What a hopeless state I am in!”
No. You have the right before God to manage your connection with others and to call on God for deliverance.
Someone might say, “I struggle with a whole lot of thoughts that aren’t nice, so I must be all messed up on the inside.”
No. Many times the enemy fills your head with wrong thoughts to see if you will accept them. Refuse them and stick with your choice to forgive.
The Past is the Fact of Wrong Committed.
We feel Wronged, A Debt is owed, A Wrong should be Avenged, Justice demands redress, and We hold right to a Damages Claim. This is what I refer to as the Past.
The Pain is the Feelings we Struggle With.
We are Hurting, We feel Offended, We have Fears, We carry Impact and Limitation, and We are not Complete any more. This is what I refer to as the Pain.
The Future is Godly Wisdom about Relating with the Offender from now on.
That includes how to manage the ongoing Relationship and what to do about Wrongs.
We deal with the Past by Forgiveness.
We deal with the Pain by letting God heal our wounds and restore us.
“He heals the broken in heart and binds their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
“He restores my soul” Psalm 23:3
“They will rebuild old wastes, raise up former desolations, and repair waste cities, the desolations of many generations.” Isaiah 61:4
We deal with the Future with Godly Wisdom.
Ideally and in many cases you can continue to relate to the offender as if the debt never existed since it is resolved and past.
If the person continues to be a danger to you or others then godly wisdom must be found, through God’s Word and through advice from godly people.
I pray that the Lord give you grace as you abandon any un-forgiveness in your heart and follow God’s wisdom in each situation, knowing clearly How to Forgive.
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