Disappointed Children

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What do you do when children are disappointed? How do you solve their upset if you have let them down in some way? Should parents placate an upset child? Or is this a place for tough discipline? What is your solution?

Children Face Disappointments

Every child faces disappointments along the way. They may want you to be excited about something and you are unimpressed. Maybe you’ve seen or head it before. Maybe it just doesn’t seem important to you. Maybe you think it’s a bad thing altogether.

At other times your child may have special expectations of you which you fail to meet. You might forget a promise you made them or forget their birthday or something special to them. They might catch you out showing favouritism to someone else or being more interested in something else than them.

You may not buy them the present they have asked you for or you just may not have the finances, talent or skill to meet the needs they believe you should meet.

After all, parents are only human, aren’t they? So parents are going to disappoint people, including their spouse and children. So parents bring disappointments into the life of their children through the years.

What Disappointment Does

The Bible teaches us that disappointment has emotional impact. When an expectation exists and it is not met the experience is called “hope deferred”. That is to say that the thing being hoped for has to be put on hold, either temporarily or permanently. The Bible tells us that facing that kind of disappointment makes our heart sick.

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick: but when the desire comes it is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12

Being ‘sick’ in heart involves the emotions being pained. And since all the issues of a person’s life come out of their heart, having a sick heart can be quite serious. Let me show you how central the heart is in life’s journey.

“Keep your heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” Proverbs 4:23

So, to make the point clear, disappointment challenges our emotions and that is dangerous, because if we respond wrongly our whole life can be affected. That’s why it is important for parents to take the issue of disappointment very seriously.

Mind you, husbands and wives, friends and associates all need to be attentive to the issue of disappointment. What I am applying here to children works the same in us all, young and old, in and out of the family.

Wise Responses

The first wise response from parents is to see the disappointment. The worse thing you can do in a case of disappointment is to ignore it or fail to see that it is there. If you allow disappointment to go unchecked and unaddressed then you leave the child with a ‘sick heart’ and vulnerable to unwise responses which create ‘issues’ in their life.

Most people are carrying ‘issues’ around with them that have come out of wrong heart reactions to things they experienced in the past. If you help your child deal with disappointment you will not only save them from developing a life issue from the case in point, but you will help them learn skills for resolving other issues that come up along the way.

The next wise response is to nurture the child’s heart. Remember that it is ‘sick’. The child who is feeling ‘hope deferred’ is not trying to be difficult, but is struggling to deal with internal responses that they may not want. They will be contending with hurt feelings, frustration, anger, resentment or other dangerous reactions which spring up within them due to what they have been through.

If you act in anger, using your authority to punish them for struggling with pain, you will only compound the problem.

Nurturing the Child’s Heart

If a person is feeling hurt, rejected, unloved or disappointed they will most likely be helped by a healthy dose of loving care and affection. They will benefit from any reassurance that they are loved and valued.

An apology is a good start. This shows the child that the parent did not intend to hurt their feelings. It teaches the child that we can all take responsibility for our actions, which is something you will want your child to do too.

As mentioned earlier, nurture is not achieved by being angry or reacting negatively to the child’s hurt feelings. You are going to be their parent for the rest of your life, so why in the world would you want to make a difficult situation worse? Surely you will want to build quality bridges into your child’s heart, forging a strong, life-long bond of affection and care.

So go ahead and nurture that relationship. Take care to build those bridges. While your child is feeling a little raw and sore their feelings are more easily able to be spoken into. Cold, unfeeling children are harder to build close relationship with than those who allow you to see their emotions. So capitalise on the soreness that they are feeling to touch their emotions and link their heart with yours.

Hold Your Ground

Another important thing for you to do, that will greatly benefit your child in the long run, is to hold your ground. Some parents feel they have failed if they upset their child. Those parents may go out of their way to placate the child by giving in to the child’s demands. This is not healthy for the child.

If you give in to your child’s upset feelings you teach your child that they can get their way by expressing emotion. You are training them to sulk, cry, complain, exploit and give in to hurt, and so on. Such processes do not work in the real world. So don’t lead your child into lifestyle habits which set them up for failure and further pain.

Responding properly to life’s disappointments is a skill we all need, for we will continue to face our share of unhappy moments. Anything can turn out to be worse or less than we wanted, from the weather to our health, or the performance level of others, or ourself. A mature person handles those disappointments with purpose and wisdom. You want your child to be a mature person, so help them face the disappointment and come to terms with it.

Don’t crumple in the face of your child’s disappointment, but show them how to embrace their situation, even though it is less than they want.

Coming to Terms With Disappointment

In order to resolve disappointment a person needs to work through the various feelings which erupt from their chest. So coming to terms with disappointment is a tailor-made process, customised for the child’s individual emotional responses.

Some children readily become resentful. Others embrace despair. Some feel worthless and rejected, while others retreat into their own world of self-reliance. There are many possibilities.

A wise parent will seek to understand the issues emerging within the child and then escort the child through the appropriate steps to resolve whatever that is. I suggest that my Steps to Release, which I discuss in other posts, will help.

Certainly forgiveness toward those who let the child down will be important. Accepting their lot, even though it is less than they wanted is also important. Repenting of wrong reactions is also very valuable. So too is expressing faith in God, recognising that God knows the end from the beginning and can be trusted to sort things out, even if they are disappointing.

Deal with Disappointment

The bottom line is that parents must be ready and willing to deal with the disappointment which they create in their children. But remember not to respond with intolerance, anger or frustration at your child’s hurt feelings. Instead, help the child deal with their personal struggles so they grow strong in facing this reality of life effectively. God bless you as you do.

Designer Parenting

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Before you buy your child designer shoes, brand-name outfits and custom built toys, be sure to get them plenty of Designer Parenting. Your child deserves the best, and you are the most ideal person to give them the personalised, customised, purpose-built parenting that money can’t buy.

How do you do it? I’m glad you asked.

First step is to make it your aim to be a “professional parent”. Top designers are experts in their field and they study their craft. You too can become a professional in the arena of parenting by studying what God has to say about parenting. Dare I suggest that you read my book, “Parenting Horizons” as a worthy start?

This first step will build into your thinking the principles that apply to all effective parenting. You will discover the appropriate wisdom for guiding your child toward the outcome that a professional parent expects.

The next step is to realise the uniqueness of your child. Every family with multiple children demonstrates the uniqueness of each child. Despite the similarities in their upbringing children in the same family express diversity of personality, interests, talents and problems.

Now, how do you know what your child is like? The Bible has an answer to that.

“Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work is pure, and whether it is right.” Proverbs 20:11

As you observe your child and what he or she does you will be given insights into their personality, strengths and weaknesses. Designer Parenting involves you being attentive to the design requirements your child’s particular personality suggests.

For example, a child who tends to be bossy will have special design requirements in the parenting program you apply to their life. A child who is insecure will have other unique needs. A child who tends toward being angry and unforgiving needs special input to ensure they become free from those particular qualities.

Designer Parenting is like a customised fitness program designed for your particular needs. Such a fitness program takes into account the strengths and weaknesses of your physical frame as well as your general level of fitness and health. You cannot provide your child with Designer Parenting if you do not properly assess what their special design requirements are.

One of the issues I cover in “Parenting Horizons” is that the ‘Punishment Must Fit the Crime’. What that refers to is that your response to wrong behaviour from your child must be designed to make a change in their behaviour. If it makes a change then it ‘fits’ the crime. If it doesn’t make a change then it is the wrong fit.

If, for example, you have a standard response to your child’s wrong behaviour and that response does not make any difference, then the punishment does not fit the crime. Punishment fits the crime when it effectively changes the behaviour of the child.

Designer Parenting is attentive to how the child responds to the discipline regime which is applied to their life. The parent’s response needs to be measured to the appropriate level for the child and the child’s response to that input.

Let me summarise what I have said. You owe it to your child to be a professional parent who creates a designer parenting program for them specifically. Designer Parenting for each of your children will take into account who they are and what special needs they have in their personality. It will also be attentive to how the child responds to the training and discipline you provide.

A professional parent is ever ready to modify their responses to each child, so the appropriate ministry, discipline, encouragement, relationship time, and so on, are poured into the life of each one. Designer Parenting is an exciting interaction between parents and children that keeps the relationship and the process fresh and dynamic. It brings wonderful rewards and produces godly children.

I wish for your children that they have professional parents who provide them with the wonderful Designer Parenting that God plans for them, through you.

Little One 2

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Here’s another parent-child dialogue in the on-going Little One series. This is a made-up scenario which is speaks into situations which often emerge in families. I pray that it help you get a grip on how to work through these things and bless your family.

I know I upset you today and I upset you yesterday too. You may feel like I’m always upsetting you. So let’s have a little talk about all that and see if we can sort it all out.

Yesterday you became really upset with me because I said “No” to something you wanted. You felt hurt and disappointed and you saw me as the one who made you unhappy.

Then today I rebuked you for your bad mood and I became cross with you. Now you are feeling even more upset with me. You are sure that you would be happier if I wasn’t in your life.

That makes me very sad, and it makes God sad too. So it’s very important that we sort this all out. I think we have both been wrong in the way we handled this and so I want to apologise to you. Let’s work through this whole mess and clear all these bad feelings up.

Yesterday you asked for something that you were very excited about. Although it sounds exciting to you, I know, as your daddy, that this is not good for you. It’s one of those sugar-coated traps which people think will make them happy but which bring problems into their life. Because I love you and it is my job to protect you, I had to say “No” to your request.

You felt upset because I refused the thing you were looking forward to. This is called “hope deferred”. Your hope was frustrated and that made you feel sad on the inside. However, as you grow, you will have many times when the things you want and look forward to are blocked in some way. You need to trust God and learn to enjoy what you have, whether it is everything you want or none of the things you want.

You also need to forgive the people who upset you, whether they were being mean or even being good in their actions. So, you need to forgive me for upsetting you and disappointing you.

God has your life under control and He is ready to give you every lovely blessing. First, however, you need to trust your heart to Him, and do what is right.

Because you didn’t do that yesterday you stayed in a bad mood. You even tried to be surly and to make me unhappy by your attitudes. What you were really doing was trying to punish me for making you unhappy. The Bible teaches us that we are not to punish people, but to let God do that. If what I did was wrong it is up to God to sort that out. It is not your job to try to punish me by your actions or attitudes.

I became annoyed at your bad attitude and I became more and more frustrated with you. I also felt upset that I couldn’t deal with the problem properly. And so I became cross with you. I shouted at you and upset you even more.

I have been praying about what happened and God has shown me that I was wrong. I saw your bad attitude and did not deal with it properly. I just became more and more annoyed. What I am supposed to do is to discipline you properly and without any bad attitudes in my heart. I am supposed to smack you when you disobey me and upset God. Instead I decided not to discipline you, since I had already upset you. But that only led to more problems.

I then became frustrated, annoyed and angry with you. And so I rebuked you and shouted at you, out of anger and not out of love. I ask you to forgive me for being angry and annoyed and for not disciplining you properly.

We both have things to learn as we go along. God is raising you into a person who is mighty in spirit and who will go and do His will in ways I could never imagine. God is also challenging me about my compromises and the weaknesses in my heart that lead me away from His perfect wisdom. So, together, we are growing into maturity and victory.

I’m going to pray with you now, helping you to ask God to forgive you for not trusting Him and for not giving your problem to Him. I’ll also get you to make sure you have properly forgiven me and anyone else who has annoyed you.

I have told God that the next time something like this happens, that I will follow His instructions and give you the discipline He prescribes, rather than being too weak to do what is right. You won’t like that, but it will bring the best fruit in us both.

I love you. I thank God that He placed you in my family and gave me the challenge to do what is right. You are destined to become one of the great servants of God in the whole earth. My job is to follow God’s instructions, because I love Him and I love you, so that you don’t end up unprepared, or weak, like I am. I want you to become a much better person than I am; one who is able to follow God faithfully and fearlessly, without the compromises which mess up my life.

Let’s pray together and tell God we are ready to take the journey that’s ahead of us.