Marriage – Page 3

Women With Wise Words part 3

October 20, 2009 by Chris Field 1 Comment

This series is about wives and mums learning how to “share” life with their family, rather than contending with them. The concepts taught here apply to all people connecting with others, but they are crafted to address the challenge many women have, to avoid contending with their husband and family.

Sharing Instead of Contending

Contention comes from pride and is anchored in the notions of “rule” and “judgement”. When a woman contends with her family she is likely being moved by pride and by feelings of her right to rule and judge others.

Contending is adversarial in nature and puts two people at variance. That is why “sharing” is such a powerful way to neutralise the tendency to contend. When a wife and mother takes on the role of a counsellor to her family and “shares” life with them, she will be much less likely to contend with them.

It’s A Challenge

Changing behaviour is challenging. This is just as true for stopping contention. You will need God’s help to control your tongue. So ask for God’s help every time you find yourself in contention.

Learning new behaviour will take practice and commitment. Don’t be discouraged if you struggle. It is worse that you simply give up or don’t realise what you are doing. If you are conscious you are doing things wrong and struggling to change, that is a good sign.

couple To help you through this challenge I am giving you some tangible examples of communications which can lead to contention in families. I trust they help you change your own behaviour patterns.

Insult and Injury

What happens when a husband makes an off-hand remark about his wife’s family? Let’s assume he says that he thinks her brother is an idiot. And let’s assume that the wife feels quite stung by this personal remark about her own brother. She feels insulted and injured. Now what does she do?

A contentious woman would dive in and start a fight in defence of her brother. She might say, “You’ve never liked my brother. You’ve always looked down on my family. You’re just an opinionated pig!”

Or she might jump in with her interrogation, spoken with the sting of her hurt feelings. “What’s wrong with my brother? Who are you calling stupid? He could easily say the same thing about you, you know!”

In any of these responses the lines are drawn and husband and wife are on opposite sides of the line.

Stay On The Same Side

Rather than creating a dividing line between you both, the better strategy is to have both of you on the same side. Stay on side with your husband. Stay on the same side.

Now, that doesn’t mean you have to agree with your husband. What it means is that you have to “share” with your husband. Share life with him. Be part of his journey, rather than being separate, judging his journey from a distance.

On-Side Responses

If a wife is stung by her husband’s criticism of her family she first needs to rule her own spirit. She needs to restrain her anger and reactions. She needs to be committed to the marriage, not just to her emotional sense of right and wrong.

An On-Side response could be to play it down. “Is my brother irritating you again?”

Alternatively she could simply investigate what her husband is dealing with, in order to find godly wisdom. “Has he done something to upset you again?” “Tell me what’s bothering you about him.”

Another approach is to be caring to the husband’s inner needs. “I’m sorry he bothers you like that. I’d love you both to get along better.” “Oh dear. You have enough on your plate at the moment without some frustration from my brother.”

Yet another approach is to find a solution, rather than make a reaction. “This seems to be an on-going issue for you. Is there anything we can do to improve things?” “My brother is actually quite a wonderful guy, but you two just never seem to hit if off. What if we talk to someone about this issue, to see if there’s a way to get past this hurdle?”

Diffuse Tension

I have seen many Aussies successfully diffuse difficult situations, and so maybe you could look for ways to achieve that. When you feel aroused and at risk of reacting, first find God’s grace, then look for His wisdom to diffuse the tensions with your spouse.

Susan and I have used a light-hearted humour to diffuse tensions at times. She will look at me with exasperation and say, “You are the most difficult husband I have ever had!” And that’s true because I am the ONLY husband she has had. I may well respond with an equally teasing comment such as, “I have never had a wife who gets me as frustrated as you do!” And that’s true too, since she is the ONLY wife I have ever had.

Because we use this gag from time to time it is an easy way to express frustration, but not make an issue of it. We both recognise that we annoy each other at times, but we know that such is life. No matter who we married we would have the same challenges. So, we acknowledge them and let them pass.

Humour

Humour is tricky. Some people can make a happy moment out of anything, while others turn humour into an ordeal. If you have liberty to use humour it can be a simple way to diffuse tension.

For example, in a situation like the one described above, a wife could try this. Next time she sees an advertisement for a job in Siberia or Antarctica, she could stick the ad on a note that says, “Maybe you should recommend my brother for this job!”

Each time hubby is upset at the brother again, she could say, “I’ve kept that ad, just in case you want to recommend a job to my brother.”

Bottom Line

In all relationships the bottom line is the relationship itself. Whatever the tensions may be, take care to protect the relationship. It’s all about sharing, staying on the same side, rather than putting a dividing line between you.

Contention puts you on separate sides. Sharing keeps you on the same side. So, do all you can to stay together, not on opposite sides.

Repair Mechanism

You will not always get it right. When you get upset, react and contend with your children or husband, use the repair mechanism. The repair mechanism is to repent and apologise.

“I’m sorry honey. I did get upset and I shouldn’t have. Please forgive me.”

At the same time you may need to silently forgive them for upsetting or offending you. Ask God to forgive them, because you are putting off your upset feelings.

When you put right what you have done wrong it makes it easier for you to get it right next time.

And this also keeps the relationship in its rightful place, as the most important thing to protect. Your pride will have to lose out. Your control will have to lose out. Your sense of self-righteousness will have to lose out. But the relationship will win. And that’s fantastic.

Women With Wise Words part 1

October 16, 2009 by Chris Field Leave a Comment

Some women struggle with their tongue. So here is practical advice for wives and mothers and for others who end up creating trouble through their words. The point is to stop contending and start sharing. Let me explain.

The Unruly Tongue

The Apostle James, Jesus’ younger brother, warned that the human tongue is impossible to tame. Everyone says the wrong thing at times, and those who rule their tongue have mastered their whole life.

“For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.” James 3:2

“But no man can tame the tongue; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.” James 3:8

Only God can empower us to tame our tongue. So we need God’s wisdom and His grace and power to succeed in this important challenge.

The Argumentative Woman

bossy It is significant that the Bible makes several references to an argumentative woman. On three occasions King Solomon advised that you are better off living on the rooftop or the wilderness rather than with a woman who wants to argue with you.

“It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.” Proverbs 21:9

“It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” Proverbs 21:19

“It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.” Proverbs 25:24

We know that men, women and children can all be argumentative, so the points made in this lesson can be put to use by us all. But the argumentative woman is clearly bad news and a common enough reality for repeated mention in the Bible.

Contending

Let’s look at the dynamics that occur in contention and argument. Contending is a form of fighting. Two people become adversaries when they contend with each other. One or both are trying to gain some victory over the other. Or one is trying to defend against the demands of another.

For some reason women have a propensity to become contentious. This means they will contend with their husband and their children. Possibly as younger women they will contend with their parents. And they probably contend with others, outside the family, as well.

Many husbands comment on how their wife “nags” them and how she will not let up on some point or other that she is trying to press upon them. Solomon even refers to this.

“A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping.” Proverbs 19:13

The Roots of Contention

Contention springs from pride. King Solomon points out that contention only comes when pride is involved.

“Only by pride comes contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.” Proverbs 13:10

The pride that produces contention is linked to a person’s desire to rule others or to judge them. We know that from the Hebrew word for contention, ‘midyawn’, which comes from a Hebrew root word meaning to rule and to judge.

When a person is given to contending with others they are most likely motivated by pride in their own opinions or their own importance, and will feel they have the right to rule others and to judge them.

A contentious person can often operate as “judge, jury and executioner”. They take rulership over others and execute judgement upon them. They will do this purely on their own account, according to their own opinions and evaluation of a situation.

Powerless Women

I suspect that one of the motivations for some women to become argumentative and contentious is that they feel powerless. They feel the need to gain control over their husband and children, so they are not so vulnerable.

The godly challenge for women, however, is to submit to their husband. So women need to find security in God, not in their powers of argument. Since it is God who asks them to submit, they can appeal to God to protect and bless them, even if they have grave concerns about their husband’s leadership abilities.

When women become secure in God’s care for them, they will not need to “rule” or “judge” others. They will be content and happy to get on with the life God gave them.

Contending on Autopilot

I have noticed that contentious people are quick to scoff, rebut, react and create arguments.

I recall an example from my time in New Zealand. While preaching, I asked a builder in the church for an on-the-spot estimate of the length of the building. I was showing how people develop good estimation skills. He scanned the building, then said, “Fifty Feet”. Immediately an older woman in the congregation gave a loud scoffing, “Hoh!” She clearly thought the estimate was ridiculous.

There was so much emotion in her mocking reaction that the builder later grabbed his tape-measure and confirmed that the building was within inches of the fifty feet he had estimated.

That lady had a problem. Without any ability to come up with an answer herself, she instantly and loudly contended with the very accurate information offered by someone who knew what he was talking about.

I am afraid many people who give in to contention are similarly ruled by it. They feel impelled to buy into things they are not qualified to speak about. They contend as if it was their automatic setting, whether they have anything to offer or not.

Getting Personal

Argumentative people also seem hard to instruct. When someone shows that they know what they are talking about the contender is likely to say something like, “You think you’re SO smart, don’t you?” They are unlikely to say, “Thank You. I’m glad you explained that to me.” Pride and the desire to dominate and judge others are at the heart of contention, so the contender will be too aroused to be humble and teachable.

Note too that if people feel threatened they will resort to personal attacks, rather than argue the issue at hand. Accusations, dredging up past failures, mockery, personal taunts and the like often find their way into arguments.

A Better Way

There is a much better way to communicate than to argue. Even if the other person is wrong there are better options than argument and contention. And it’s that better way that I really want to share with you. Now that I’ve taken so long with these background remarks, I’ll save the “better way” for Women With Wise Words part 2, which I’ll post in a couple of days.

Titchy Me

October 15, 2009 by Chris Field 2 Comments

Yesterday my wife said something simple that really blessed me. She simply told me that she was feeling out of sorts and wasn’t sure why.

She recognised that her emotions, or her spirit, or something inside her was feeling unsettled and out of sorts. There was no drama. There was no argument. And she seemed to be fine afterwards. She experienced a time of being unsettled, and it passed.

It’s Your Fault!

In many relationships the kind of maturity which Susan displayed is completely missing. When the husband or wife feels unsettled they assume that it is someone else’s fault. Instead of taking responsibility for their own feelings, they lash out at others.

argument

I use the expression “loaded gun” to signify a person who is ready to pick a fight. They may even have a “hair trigger” ready to shoot off in any direction at the slightest prompting. Do you know people like that?

When these people are titchy they immediately act as if it someone else’s fault and as if they will feel better if they lash out at others. That kind of approach leads to such things as the “hormone hostage”, the “thunder dad” and “bad mood Sunday”.

Taking Responsibility

On the other hand, when a person recognises that the problem is internal, they are able to take responsibility for their feelings and the reactions that follow. That’s what Susan did.

She recognised that she was feeling out of sorts, but did not then assume it was someone else’s fault. She did not go looking for someone to vent her feelings on. She did not go and pick a fight so she could dump emotional baggage.

Instead, Susan simply acknowledged that she was struggling with something. She tried to figure out what it was, but couldn’t. She put that on the table. She did not create any sense of blame, or put-on to others. She simply put her own vulnerability out for open display.

Probably because of that, the feelings passed without incident and she got on happily with the rest of her day.

Pride and Anger

In many homes people’s pride and anger destroy and challenge their relationships. When people feel uncomfortable they are reluctant to admit that they have a problem. Their pride gets in the way. They don’t want to admit that they have a need or that they may be a problem or a cause of trouble. Their pride is much happier to accuse others and keep their own reputation clean.

And the uncomfortable feelings stir up reactions from within. We don’t like to feel unsettled and so it is easy to get aroused, making room for angry feelings, when things don’t feel right.

Pride and anger are relationship killers, leading to many of the arguments and strife that couples go through.

That’s why Susan’s handling of her feelings was so impressive. She humbled herself, rather than acting in pride. And she had control over her feelings. She ruled them, and they did not rule her.

Be Honest With Yourself

If you have emotional upheavals at times, or if you end up in strife with others, ask God to open your eyes to your own internal situation. Start being honest with yourself. Don’t blame others, but recognise what is happening inside you.

Here are some great sentences to say, to admit your situation. You might like to at least start saying these things to yourself.

“I’m struggling.” “I’m out of sorts.” “I’m feeling really unsettled at the moment.” “I’ve been struggling with uncomfortable feelings all day.” “I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m having a really hard time staying in control of my emotions today.” “I need help.” “Lord help me gain control of my inner life, emotions and responses.”

A Burden Shared

Once you can be honest with yourself it would be good to find others you can be honest with. Ideally that should be your spouse. However some spouses have their own baggage and do not want to help their husband or wife at these times. So, find some people of your own sex (that’s extremely important) who you can pray with and who will encourage you in godliness.

Don’t get bad counsel. I know of people who get advice from bitter, rebellious, selfish people and the advice is toxic. Get your advice and support from people who love God and are free from pride and anger.

As you share your situation with them you will likely find that you are better able to take control and take responsibility. That way you can walk into greater freedom.

Prayer

“Lord God, I pray for all those reading this who need to gain rule over their own spirit. I pray that You teach them to take responsibility and to humble themselves. I pray that You give them victory over anger, blame, shame and other devilish things that destroy them and their marriage.

Bless them with joy, peace and wisdom, so they can build the wonderful bonds that you intend us all to enjoy. I ask this in Jesus’ powerful name, Amen.”

Toxic Ideas in Marriage

September 3, 2009 by Chris Field Leave a Comment

The devil uses “lies” to great effect. What helps his lies is that people want to believe them. The human heart is evil and so people want excuses to be let off their own responsibilities. The devil’s lies are often quickly taken up, to justify selfish choices in life.

The devil sows many toxic ideas into people’s minds regarding their marriage. The ideas usually appeal to human selfishness.

Devilish Wisdom

It is possible for an idea to be wrong, yet to appear to be ‘wisdom’. James, the brother of Jesus Christ, gives us insight into this situation in an important description of evil wisdom.

“This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish.” James 3:15

You can pick the wrong ideas, even though they are propounded by experts and appear to be ever-so-wise, because they are “earthly” and “sensual”. When an idea defines reality from the earthly perspective, leaving God and godly morality out of the picture, then it is devilish wisdom. And when an idea appeals to human sensibilities, while ignoring God and godly morality, then it is devilish wisdom.

Beware of the ideas that go through your mind from time to time about your marriage. They may be devilish wisdom looking for a place to live. If you let that kind of wisdom in it leads to strife, contention and broken relationships.

wedding rings 2 kitty cheng

What are you Thinking?

Have you ever thought any of the following thoughts about your marriage?

“I married the WRONG person.” Maybe if you’d been more careful you could have been more happily married. Hmmm ???

“I DESERVE better than this!” You are not being treated properly and so you have the right to be angry and resentful.

“SOMEONE ELSE would make me happier.” Your heart is already lusting for something or someone better.

“EVEN GOD could not fix my marriage.” This is a great excuse to bail out.

“ADULTERY has ended this marriage.” When you’ve been wronged, why not be unforgiving and vengeful?

“God just wants me to be HAPPY.” Actually, I want to be happy, and I thought happiness was the whole purpose of life, so I’m now pinning my selfish wants onto God’s account.

“MY SITUATION is unique.” Your pain is very personal, and so surely no-one has ever been in your situation before.

Shake Up

Let me do a quick shake-up for you, and see if I can dislodge some of those “earthly, sensual” ideas that are dancing into your mind at times.

“I married the WRONG person” – You’ve got to be kidding! Your spouse only seems wrong because they rub up your selfishness and challenge your character. God did not create one “right” person for you. Instead, He created a relationship that is very resilient and able to be enjoyed with any one of gazillion spouses.

“I DESERVE better than this” – Do you really want what you deserve? I certainly don’t. When we compare you to God’s holiness, what you “deserve” may be far worse than anything you have ever been through!

“SOMEONE ELSE would make me happier” – How incredibly selfish of you! Your happiness is what you are demanding. And guess what! By being selfish you will be impossible to make happy. You are the principal obstacle to your own happiness!

Ready for More?

“EVEN GOD could not fix my marriage” – How dare you think so! Nothing is impossible to God. You just want and excuse to selfishly have your way.

“ADULTERY has ended this marriage” – That’s ridiculous! Millions of marriages survive adultery! Jesus Christ pointed to “hardness of heart” as the reason marriages break-up after adultery. When the offended party refuses to forgive, THAT is what ends the marriage. Don’t blame it on adultery!

“God just wants me to be HAPPY” – God wants you to be HOLY and that will bring happiness. If you are a happiness junkie, you will never find the joy your heart longs for. Be Holy. Happiness will follow.

“MY SITUATION is unique” – Rubbish! You don’t have a clue what other people have been through. Your situation is as fixable as anything God has to deal with.

Mending Marriages

I have drawn these points from my book, Mending Marriages – Putting Lives and Relationships Back Together. If I have offended you, then maybe I have made you think. Maybe you will open your heart and mind to some truths that will set you free from the devilish lies that have become “strongholds” in your mind.

We have a whole generation of unhappy people, simply because they believed the lie that they could pursue and find happiness. Godliness with contentment brings great gain. It is not “happiness” that you should be chasing.

When you humble yourself under the mighty hand of God, and be the person He created you to be, doing the things He created you to do, you will find wonder, joy, fulfilment and blessing that you cannot hope to find by throwing away your marriage.

Marriage Moment of Truth

July 14, 2009 by Chris Field Leave a Comment

Marriages start out on an exciting note, full of happy expectation. Yet some of those marriages end up on the trash heap. At some point from the engagement to the divorce something went wrong. Whatever the challenges are that lead to a failed marriage other marriages weather the storm and come through stronger.

So, along the way from the proposal to the decree nisi there is some telling moment or development that tips the scales from success to sabotage; from freedom to failure; and from celebration to shame. So, we’re looking for the Moment of Truth in Marriage, where that tipping point is encountered.

Tipping Point

The Moment of Truth is that point in the couple’s journey where they make a decision, balk at a hurdle, draw a line or otherwise change the course of their relationship. What started as delight became bogged down with disappointment. Strife replaced celebration and the couple began to move toward the death of their marriage.

Now, the tipping point is not the same for each couple. Some couples know that it is all over by the end of the honeymoon. Other couples work together for thirty-five years before ending their marriage. For some there is a major shock, such as unfaithfulness, that bombards the relationship. For others some subtle, slow process sets in that eats away at the union.

This makes it hard to come up with a simplistic “tipping point” definition.

Attitude Not Action

The tipping point, or Moment of Truth, when a relationship takes a turn toward its own destruction cannot be built on an action. Marriages have proven to be incredibly resilient. Marriages have survived and even flourished after such tragedies and traumas as abuse, violence, adultery, death of a child, financial ruin, war, betrayal, attempted suicide, mental breakdown, and more.

The tipping point, then, is not an action. Instead it is an attitude. The attitude may spring to life in response to an action, but it is wrong to blame the action. Others have endured the same treatment, circumstances, disappointment, stress and so on, without destroying their marriage. So it must be firmly stated that the problem is NOT the action.

However, when a wrong attitude comes into the picture it can be poisonous, impossible to endure and persistent to the point of total destruction. The tipping point is the point at which a wrong attitude takes root, setting the course toward ultimate ruin.

Biblical Warning

Since the Bible is supremely relevant and current, we should expect it to speak clearly to this issue, and it does. There is a serious warning given in the New Testament which is probably directly linked to the Moment of Truth, or Tipping Point in marriage.

The Biblical warning is that people MUST give grace to one another. Specifically they are to give each other the “grace of God”. That means that they are to forgive each other, accept each other and be considerate of each other, in the same way that God is gracious to all of humanity. God gives sunshine and rain to both the good people and evil people. God is gracious, even to people who are campaigning to prove that God does not exist.

Humans, then, are to be ever willing to tolerate and be gracious to each other, just as God is.

But the warning goes further than that. The Biblical warning is that if a person fails to provide God’s grace to others the only alternative is that the evil attitude of bitterness will spring up in their life and lead to all kinds of problems.

“Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled” Hebrews 12:14,15

Let me paraphrase that text for you this way: “Be at peace with everyone. And keep yourself holy. If you are not holy you will never see God. Be diligent to keep on giving God’s grace to people. If you don’t a root of bitterness will spring up within you and agitate you. A root of bitterness will make trouble for many people around you.”

Key Moment

The key moment in your marriage is not how or where you propose. It’s not how long your engagement is. It is not the wedding day, or the wedding night. It’s not the honeymoon. It’s not your first year, or your first home. It’s not based on how soon the kids come along, or how many you have or don’t have. It’s not about how much money you have or whether one, both or none of you work.

The key moment in any marriage is that moment when one or other of the couple decides to stop giving grace to the other. When one person makes the internal decision, “I’ve had enough of that”, “I’m not taking any more of this”, “I won’t forgive them this time”, or something like that, they have tipped the marriage into the path toward destruction.

It is possible for a couple to come close to that point several times, and still survive. If the person tips back, changing their mind and forgiving, extending grace, accepting the one they had decided to reject, then they can undo the damage that has been done. But when they come to that point and decide to stick on that track, that’s when the end has been determined.

The Grace of God

The most valuable ingredient you can bring into any relationship, then, is the grace of God. A couple which has determined to always forgive and extend grace to each other will be able to ride over the ups and downs of their relationship.

Remember that bitterness only springs up when someone has determined to stop giving God’s grace. As long as the graces of forgiveness, compassion, acceptance, sacrificial commitment and such like are poured into a marriage that marriage can weather any storm or strain.

When the attitude turns from one that gives grace to one that digs in with hardness of heart, bitterness takes root and poisons the mind, attitudes, decisions and relationships.

Remember, the problem is not the actions experienced, but the attitudes taken up in response to those things.

Moments of Grace

Protect your marriage with moments of grace. Tip your marriage toward success and indestructibility. Determine, with God’s help, to give grace to each other. Determine to continue extending grace, God’s grace, no matter what.

Instead of having Moments of Truth and Tipping Points that turn your marriage into dust, have Moments of Grace and multiple Turning Points which turn your marriage back to God’s grace and God’s miraculous provision for your happiness and success.

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