Emotional Stability

A young lady fell into depression in her late teenage years and spent a decade of her life buried in murky feelings that consumed her life. Yet today, despite her temptation to revisit those unhappy feelings, she is able to get on with life.

Something changed for her. And what changed involves a lesson that everyone needs to learn along the way. So, whether you are given to emotional instability or depression, or not, this discussion may be very important for your overall wellbeing.

I Feel Bad

One of the challenges of adolescence is the awakening of our emotional faculties. In our younger years emotions are dormant and we face life with its good and bad with the ability to be practical about what comes our way. We shed our tears, feel our upsets and face our challenges, in the matter-of-fact way that children can.

However, during our teenage years emotions begin to stir within us. We begin to encounter feelings which can sweep with the force of ocean tides over our life. We discover that we can feel bad, for no apparent reason. We can feel euphoric, for as little good reason. We are able to rise to new heights and plumb new depths, like never before.

It Feels So Real

Our challenge, during this new season of our lives, is to discern what is really going on. If we do not have adult counsel from people who have been there and done that and worked out what is going on, we can be quite confused and destabilized by these emotional surges.

Our new-found feelings “feel so real” to us. They demand our attention and present themselves as tangible expressions of something of substance.

When people “feel” something, that feeling is completely real to them. It may be irrational and unreasonable, but it will be “real” to the one feeling those emotions.

Controlled By Vapour

Feelings have the capacity to activate just about any kind of sensation at whim. We can be having a perfectly happy time and then suddenly “feel” sad, or lonely, or unresolved. We can be in the middle of a serious situation and suddenly “feel” irrationally happy.

Those feelings are vaporous. They are not the product of real experiences and they may not reflect the correct response to the present set of circumstances. They can be completely irrational and persist in the face of hard evidence that they are out of place.

Thus, if we allow our feelings to control us we will be controlled by vapour. But to us the vaporous feelings will “feel so real”. And that is where we can end up bogged in an emotional quagmire.

Emotions Out of Control

If we do not realise what is happening we will be inclined to believe our feelings. Since they “feel so real” we could assume that they are a clue to what is really going on. We might think, “I feel really bad, so something must be wrong.” We might then go looking for some justification for our feelings.

If we wake up one day feeling as if no-one loves us or cares about us, we can then look for evidence to explain why we think and feel that way. Since we have all been neglected to some degree, a person could assume that their feelings genuinely spring from the treatment they have experienced.

Rather than control their emotions, seeing them as a faculty that needs to be tamed, many people allow the wild emotions to run freely, assuming they are some genuine response to the real world.

In such situations it is possible for a person to step into adulthood, with their emotions out of control. Thus, their life becomes “out of control” too. They will be controlled by the vaporous feelings which “feel so real”. They may never question those feelings or recognise that they are being fooled by their emotions.

Break-In The Bronco

Each new colt has to be broken in. All the energy, strength and majesty of a powerful steed must be brought under control if ever the horse is going to be useful and successful. And that’s how it is with our emotions. They must be broken in.

If you allow a horse to run wild, the process of breaking it in will be much more difficult. And so it is with our emotions. If we allow them free reign in our lives, it will be much more difficult to bring them under control when we need to.

Emotional Maturity

Part of emotional maturity is to achieve the place where emotions are our “servant” not our “master”. When we can tell our emotions to stop interfering with our life we can live a much more stable life, but also call upon our emotions in appropriate ways.

Professionals must learn to harness their emotions and put them out of the equation, so they can do what they have to do consistently and without inappropriate reaction. Doctors, police, emergency services, officials, ministers and many others are required to have emotional maturity. If they “lose it”, getting upset, venting their frustrations, acting on prejudice, or the like, they will be disciplined and may lose their job.

Emotional Journey

The young lady I mentioned in the opening paragraph has been on an emotional journey. In her younger years her emotions swamped her. Feelings of depression commandeered her life and cut short her studies and her career aspirations. Her health, physique, personal disciplines, relationships, self-worth, hopes and dreams, friendships, and more were damaged by her emotional spiral.

Since her emotions were out of control she could not bring herself back to normal. She burned most of the bridges in her life and became increasingly depressed. She abandoned the values she was raised to respect.

She is now moving out of that mess. I credit her recovery to her dad, who is praying for her on a daily basis, although she doesn’t know he is doing so.

Somehow she has come to her senses. She is not free of the tendency to be depressed. She still faces most of the challenges which have grown around her over the years. Yet she has changed her attitude.

Can’t Afford to Be Depressed

She recently told her parents, “I can’t afford to be depressed!” The bills don’t go away just because she is having a bad day. The problems don’t get solved by her having a pity-party.

Now, despite the fact that her emotions are just as real, her resolve has changed. Rather than indulging her emotions, she is resisting them. Instead of going with the flow of her feelings she is telling her feelings to “Shut Up!” She thinks her feelings are real, but she has become pragmatic enough to realise she can’t afford to indulge them.

Maturity Emerging

What is happening in her life is that maturity is emerging. She is gaining emotional maturity, not by giving in to her emotions, but by resisting them. She is finally learning to do what she could have done as a young teenager.

And that process is just as real for you. Your emotions will present themselves to you, as “real”. They will demand that you serve them. But you must learn to put them in their place and get on with life. If you give in to them they will rule you. If you resist them, they will serve you.

Find the Right Husband

I have met several men over the years who I think may make bad husbands. I would be reluctant to promote them to anyone I cared about.

So, what makes a man a bad husband? What are the qualities which women should
pay attention to when trying to find the right husband?

Putting on a Front

I recently heard a man advising young men to “look confident” when trying to impress a young lady. Girls don’t want men to be wishy-washy and so looking confident will enhance a man’s chances of making a good impression.

But can you see a problem there as well?

We all know that men who wish to impress will try harder than normal. They will dress neater, be cleaner, smell better, talk nicer, show their best qualities and restrain their less likable qualities. Once the man has won his woman he is likely to look scruffy, stay dirty, smell more, talk bad and let his worse qualities shine forth.

So women are in danger of being fooled by a man putting on a front to impress them. Looking confident is not a good thing to do if you are actually deceiving a woman into giving you trust you don’t deserve.

So, guys, the best thing you can do to impress someone is to actually become a wonderful person! Don’t put on a front, but actually become the person you would like to look like!!
That way you win and so does she!

Unresolved Issues

What comes out of a person, in their words, attitudes and actions, originates in their heart.When there are unresolved issues men will come out with actions and words that
betray their insecurity, need for control, fears, pride, selfishness and so on.

The key here is to deal with the inner garbage that is likely to bring ugly things out of you.
The garbage often comes out when the relationship is under strain. A young man might fear that his girl is losing interest in him, so he will tend to impose himself on her more and more, trying to control her. This will almost certainly drive the girl away from him, but it comes from the inner garbage, such as insecurity and personal need within the man.

So girls, be aware and beware of those unresolved issues in any man who comes along to impress you. When the friendship goes through its less happy moments be careful to see that unresolved stuff. If it is not dealt with it will be a curse in your relationship forever.

Openness and Wisdom

Another problem that spoils relationships is inability to deal with issues. When unresolved issues begin to spoil a relationship we then see how wise the man is in creating openness and effective processes for dealing with problems.

If a man has little wisdom he will rely on forcefulness in his personality, or
manipulation, emotionalism, fear, and so on. When these things are the man’s strategies for dealing with problems he can’t solve anything, but only make things worse.

That’s why some men go through various failed relationships. They do not have the wisdom to deal with their own weaknesses and failings.

For example, a man who is feeling insecure could tell his fiancé that he is struggling with personal feelings which are undermining him. He can then get help to become released from his
insecurity.
He can empower her with ways to tell him when he is reacting badly and damaging the relationship. If he did those things he would be displaying openness and wisdom.

Alternatively he can believe the lie that her affection will heal him and then put all kinds of pressure on her to be his salvation. That will be the end of the relationship.

Spiritual Landscape

A further compounding factor is what I call the Spiritual Landscape. By that I mean the factors that are in the picture, but which you cannot see. For example, you have probably never seen your guardian angel, yet the Bible suggests you have one. You cannot see curses on people, but the Bible says people carry them. You can feel blessed, but you cannot see who is carrying a blessing and who is not.

That fine young man who turns up at your door with a bunch of flowers is part of a
spiritual landscape
. There are good and evil influences at work in his life. If you are unaware of those things you will step into the problems and not know what has hit you.

Be a Wise Woman

A wise woman will prayerfully and carefully consider the Lord’s insights, so she can know in advance what are the unresolved issues, wisdom limitations and the spiritual landscape

A wise woman also listens to godly counsellors, especially her father, minister and mature, godly friends.

Find the Right Husband

If you want to find the right husband then beware of the man who is crazy about you but cold toward God.
Beware the man who can’t give you honour and grace when he is upset. If he
treats you with disrespect now, he will do it even worse when you are married.

Trust yourself to God. God can give you better than you can give yourself. And He can give you what you don’t deserve. Don’t rely on your figure, fashion and make-up to get the right man. Rely on God and those he has placed around you to watch out for you.

What if it’s Too Late?

If you have already married a bad husband, then your most powerful solution is to have God come into your marriage and make it better. You need to humble yourself before Him and call on Him to assist you, forgive you, heal you and build you into the person you should have been.

It’s never ‘too late’ with God. But the recovery doesn’t start with your husband, it starts with You!