Rejection 3 Heart Cry

The cry of the human heart is to be loved. And that sets people up for deep rejection experiences. And, as we saw in Rejection 2, this is somewhat out of our control, because we were designed as love receptors.

Above everything else that people seek, they want to be loved. And this yearning for love not only motivates us, but it brings people into some of their deepest pains.

Hidden Longing

People are unlikely to tell you that they are desperate to feel loved. It’s one of those things that people don’t talk about, especially in Western culture. So this deep heart cry to be loved functions as a hidden longing in the human heart.

People mask this longing by investing themselves in activity, success and a myriad other things. And, of course, people can find great meaning and value in things other than relationships. However, the hidden longing for loving care, affection, value to others and the like is still present in people’s lives.

Heart Crying

Not only is our desire to be loved our heart cry, our experience of not being loved makes our heart cry. Loneliness, hurt, fear, shame, heartache, pain, desperation, self-rejection, and many similar terms relate to the cry of the crying heart.

Now, people usually hide their pain, so you won’t often see this heart cry on someone’s face. Most people pull themselves together, put on their ‘stiff upper lip’ and soldier on. They may do so in hope that things will get better, or simply not wanting to add shame to their hurt feelings. However they come to it, most people cry on the inside, but keep up appearances on the outside.

Universal Pain

I expect that everyone has had moments of inner sadness and pain. A life without disappointment is hard to conceive. We all have hope for good things, and when those good things don’t materialise we have to work through a reality check, and then keep going.

So pain is a universal experience. Moments of crying on the inside are commonly understood. How we react to it and deal with it can be varied, but the initial pain is part of the human experience.

My Tears

I don’t know where my feelings of rejection and inferiority came from. I have asked God to show me and to date He has never made it clear to me. But I do know of times when I felt pain in my later years.

I can recall wetting my pillow with burning tears that ran down my cheeks late at night. I can recall the quivering lips as I tried to suppress inner hurts and disappointments. I can recall the intense feelings of insecurity, feelings of intimidation around people who made me feel inferior, and feelings of fear of being mocked or shown up in some way.

I can recall the burning heat of a face bright red with shame. I remember the burning eyes, streaming tears and glowing cheeks which I experienced too often.

I’m sure I am not unique.

Love is Powerful

That is why love is so powerful. Everyone wants to be loved. While you may not ‘love’ others in any emotional sense, you can at least care about them.

If you notice someone, talk with someone, listen to someone, show care to someone, meet someone’s needs, give consideration to someone, speak up for someone, take time for someone, you will have powerful impact in their life. That’s because everyone really wants to be loved.

If you are keen to build a bridge toward someone, then choose to make them special. Show them affection, care, compassion, consideration, respect, attentiveness, value, or the like and they will register that, unless they are totally closed to you or the world.

Important People

Someone once pointed out to me that the last thing I should ever casually talk about with a celebrity is what makes them famous. A person’s fame is usually the curse of their life. What they want to find is someone who values them as a person, not as a performer.

The same is true for people who are attractive. Many attractive women are annoyed by the amount of attention people pay to them. They learn to distrust the motives of people who look at them, smile at them and want to interact with them.

When you take an interest in the person for who they are, not for what they mean to you, you are giving them a very special gift. So always be ready to talk about the inane, or to find out what is important to that person. A star may be very relieved to talk with someone about their first dog, or the food they hate, or something equally as distant from their stardom.

The Power of Compassion

While you are still thinking about dealing with your own pain and need, take time out to show compassion to others. Remember, they have a heart cry to be loved.

Learn how to make others feel special. Learn how to listen to them and engage them in things that THEY value. Give them your time and your listening ear. Engage with their stories and their personal journey. Most people are blessed to have that kind of royal treatment, and some people are desperate for it.

Things are so bad today that people pay money to a therapist to simply listen to them and show some kind of understanding. Now that says something about how desperate the heart cry has become in Western society. Even family and neighbours are failing to show the care and concern that was once part of normal life. People are paying others to at least resemble what care and compassion look like.

Can you see a ministry opportunity in all that? I can. And I release you to go and do it!

Dungeon Lord

While married life is a wonderful gift to mankind and brings some of the sweetest rewards that people can enjoy, it is also challenged by many things.

If the couple have godly wisdom and live in the fear of God, they can overcome the challenges and enjoy blessing upon blessing. If the couple are selfish, foolish and separated from God’s wisdom and grace, the challenges grow into destructive processes.

There are two positions people can take which pull down their marriage. One is that husbands become ‘Dungeon Lord’ and the other is that wives become ‘Rebel Queen’ in their home.

dungeon-lord

Building a World for the Wife

Back in 1972 I met Dr Jack Hayford on his first visit to Australia. It was my privilege to play chauffeur for him during part of his visit and I was wonderfully blessed by his messages.

Jack’s message to men challenged them that their wife has to live within the bounds of the world the men create for the family.
Small men, he pointed out, create small worlds for their wives. God’s best is that men become great in stature and create vast realms in which their wife can fully express who she is.

Jack told how he let his wife choose what car to buy and what house to buy for the family. When he told his church elders they were shocked, saying that such decisions were for men to make. Jack said he had much bigger things to think about than cars and houses. He was concerned about the whole nation of America.

Small men demand that they make the ‘big’ decisions. But those decisions are not really big. Compared to the realm of truly giant men those ‘big’ decisions are incidental.
Men can build a big world for their wife by becoming bigger in themselves and operating in an expanded realm.

Dungeons

Some men are small on the inside. Trapped in fear, insecurity, shame, loss of meaning and intimidation, they hide in a dark dungeon of isolation, petty values, distrust, confinement and the like.

When those men raise a family they cannot let their wife and children live with greater freedom than they feel within themselves, so they become lord of their own dungeon. They may effectively trap their wife in the home. They may monitor and police all the things their children do, for fear that they go outside the narrow bounds in which the man lives. They will be given to control, confinement, distrust, intense monitoring and so on.

Such dungeon lords create horrible homes in which their families are trapped. Usually the children make a break for it at their earliest opportunity. Wives can be trapped in the man’s private dungeon for their entire married life.

Dungeon Slave

An elderly lady asked me for help many years ago. She had been raised in the church and loved God. The man she married was from a heathen background, but she hoped to soften him in her role as his wife.

Instead of winning him over, this lady spent sixty years under the tyranny of a man who rejected all things Christian. He was given to intense anger, especially when his sporting team lost a match.

When the man was hospitalised, shortly before his death, the wife sought me out and asked if God would forgive her for marrying such a man. She had been trapped away from her faith and was unable to bring any of her children up in the fear of God. They only feared their father’s dominating anger. They became sports fanatics, but had no knowledge of the saviour whom their mother loved in her youth.

Slaves to Fear

Another man I knew a few years ago proved to be a dungeon lord. He demanded that his wife be totally submitted to him. He kept her away from friends, monitored her phone calls, gave her no money, inspected her shopping, dumped anger on her if she did not do exactly what he wanted, and trapped her in the dungeon of his own smallness.

The man was himself a slave to fear. He had no confidence in God, despite his religious connections. He felt compelled to lord it over his wife, out of fear, insecurity and obsession to control. He was first a slave; otherwise he would never have made his wife into one.

Men who become dungeon lords are really inmates of the dungeon themselves. They cannot live in freedom, so they cannot allow others to live in liberty. They fit the description given in Hebrews, “through the fear of death they are slaves for the whole of their lives” (Hebrews 2:15).

The Winning Way

People who are free on the inside do not enslave others. God, who is the ultimate in freedom, gives all His creations free will, even to rebel. Angels were able to rebel and mankind is free to reject God.

Rather than bringing God down and demeaning Him, the actions of others have no power to change Him. Men who fear that rebellion from their wife or family demeans them are not finding their value and wholeness in God.

The winning way is to love those in our care. When a husband loves his wife and places trust in her, he elevates her. When a father loves his children and places trust in them he elevates them. God loves us and trusts us, which elevates us into the potential to receive His forgiveness and become His children.

Women will upset their husbands and children will bring distress to their parents. No amount of slavery can stop that. So the game is not to enslave, but to lovingly nurture and direct.

Another aspect of the winning way is faith. When a man places his faith in God he trusts God to oversee the hearts of his wife and children. He also looks to God for loving wisdom that will enable the man to win his wife and children to the godly values which he embraces.

Chris Field has written “Marriage Horizons” and “Mending Marriages” to help marriages succeed. Check them out at www.FamilyHorizons.net

Turn Off The Tap!

Have you ever been pushed by someone else to do something that is not in your best interests? It happens all the time when it comes to your faith. So I want to rescue you. This is the Pastor Chris rescue package #1. I want you to identify the voices that are pushing you to “Turn off the tap!”

Review

In a previous post I pointed out how it is we who turn off the tap of God’s blessings. God is willing to give us more than we expect, but we end up limiting Him, just as the Children of Israel did in the wilderness.

What God has prepared for you is way beyond your expectations. It contains more than you will be able to access in a whole lifetime.

“But as it is written, Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God has prepared for them that love him.” 1Corinthians 2:9

Yet we are all inclined to say “When” before God has run out of what He has for us. We do that for our own reasons and also because of other voices that push us to stop receiving from Him.

Dishing Out the Blessings

Maybe some of you can relate to my experience. I have been in places where a feast has been prepared. When the plates of food are being served out I will be asked, “Is that enough or do you want some more?” Before I can answer the question my wife will speak up and say, “That’s plenty. He doesn’t need any more than that!”

Now, if I recall correctly, the question was asked to me. But, alas, I had someone else speaking up for me. The blessings were there to be dished out, but I had an assistant seeking to limit what I could receive.

Then there are those other occasions where a banquet spread has been laid out and I have the pleasure of circling the table selecting my favourite morsels. Again my wife Susan has spoken into my experience by looking at my plate and making a comment. She might say “Haven’t you had enough?” or “Don’t have too much of that fattening food”.

Voices in Your Ear

In the same way that Susan speaks into my dining experiences, trying to get me to limit what I take out of the abundant supply, there are voices in your ear that try to stop you receiving from God’s abundance.

The voices may be accusatory, saying that you are unworthy of the blessings you expect or hope to receive. They may remind you that many much more worthy people than you have not had the blessings you believe for, so you had better give up right now.

The voices may even be condemning, with grinding reminder of how little you pray, how selfish you are and how utterly unworthy you are of what you have already received. They challenge you about what you have done with all the blessings you’ve already received, reminding you that you have absolutely no right to expect anything but rebuke from God.

There are voices of pride, reminding you what a fool you will look like when your faith venture falls flat on its face. Voices of fear raise the spectre of loss of position or goods, due to the folly of seeking more from God. Intimidation points out that you will only become a target for the enemy’s attacks if you keep pressing on as you are. And so it goes.

Where do you Draw the Line?

If one voice doesn’t stop you, another will pick up the chorus. They are trying to press your buttons to see which one will shut you down and cause you to draw the line. Just how stupid are you prepared to look? Just how daring are you prepared to be? Just how much insecurity can you stand? Just how much opposition does it take to bring you to a halt?

Ultimately, however, no matter how many voices ring in your ear, it is You who draws the line. It is You who says, “Enough”. It is You who decides you have pressed on far enough.

It is never God who says, “You’ve had enough”. It is You who makes that call. It is You who says, “When”.

Now, it’s not a sin to come to your limit. This whole Rescue Package is about helping you open the pipe, not feel guilty for turning off the tap. I am simply opening your eyes to what goes on and what you do in your faith journey.

Heroes Go All the Way

I have a couple of faith heroes from the Bible. Principal among them is Moses. I love the way he handled several situations, against all the odds imaginable.

At the Red Sea Moses had the Egyptians pressing toward him from behind, while the sea blocked their forward movement. They were hemmed in with nowhere to go. The people panicked and complained bitterly and fearfully to Moses. The intensity must have been enormous, not to mention the stress.

Stress is defined as being in a tough situation and having no power over the outcome. That about sums up the situation for Moses on that day. Yet Moses stood wonderfully firm in faith. He stood up and declared that they would have victory over the Egyptians that day.

None of the voices shouting in Moses’ ear were able to dissuade him. He did not turn off the tap for the miracle they needed. He persisted in believing in God, and God came through.

I long to be that kind of man of faith who keeps the tap open until the fullness of God’s best has been poured onto my plate.